So a few weeks ago I wrote two posts about cheering on PTAL in her first pageant. We were all literally shocked at how well she did! We have been around these pageants for years,they aren't easy to win! We talked about it with everyone we knew and bragged about how proud we were..........
Hi worst mom ever, did you forget you have two daughters? Was the memo shredded that let you know your youngest has been sitting patiently for weeks watching and listening to you help the oldest?
I would like to write this to PIMA. She is NOT like PTAL at all!
PIMA is going through a phase right now that makes me crazy. She is wearing her hair over her left eye like some sort of angry emo person. She is angry with her father and the significant other pretty much all the time since she thinks they are mean to all three of us. They are just boys and we all know relationships are complicated, especially the ones with ex-husbands, and a 14 year old brain isn't likely to grasp all of that adult drama crap.
She is dating a young man that I don't really like. His social skills are lack luster and I know I didn't follow the Emily Post book to the letter, but I know how to put on the white gloves when they are required. He discussed wearing her dress and tiara at a formal dinner party. UH OK?
She is going through that phase of teenage girldom that all of us have gone through. Some of us faired well and were the ones all the other girls thought had it all together. Others of us felt like teenage life was the worst possible experience. Likened to that of broken glass on hot coals that we have to walk through barefoot. She is feeling like the latter and that her sister is the first one. That does not make life any easier.
Well PIMA (Baby Girl) here is my teenage life. I was awkward and never knew how to talk to boys or even other girls. I said the wrong thing at the worst possible time every time. I dressed in black lace dresses, and used baby powder instead of face powder. I painted my nails black and wore things my mother hated. She refused to buy clothes for me, and when she did they were preppy crappy clothes that belonged on the head cheerleader not me! My mother and I fought tooth and nail over everything. I did the worst possible job on my chores because I didn't want to do them. I hated being a teenager and I was pretty sure my mother wasn't very fond of me.
I am all grown up now. I have some insight for you... You are normal. You will survive. I love you more than words can possibly express. I won't let you cut your hair like an anime character. I won't buy you harajuku dresses. I won't allow you to do things that are unhealthy or unsafe. I get frustrated with you, because now I know how frustrated my mom was and I can't call her to get advice on how to help you.
I am not perfect baby girl. I am trying my damnedest to do the right thing for you, and I am sorry that some days I am a looser. I want you to find your place in the world too. Your sister is finding hers, and it must be excruciatingly painful to watch that and want the same for yourself, but it seems so allusive. I will always be here, and I will do my best to try to be easier to deal with, but could you give me a break too?
Like maybe an old out of touch lady deserves?
The General Misadventures of the Costume Mistress Extraordinaire!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Why exactly did you wear THAT!?
So I don't want to say WHERE I took this photo, but this folks is a poster child for the What Not to Wear fashion circles of HELL!!!!
People this is a pair of knit pants with a zigzag pattern like your grandmothers quilt on a woman that is at best a size 28.
TWENTY FREAKIN EIGHT PEOPLE!!!!
I found a pair of pants out on the web that were similar.
Now that I look at the picture and these I think I found the actual pant! These were selling online for $100! I am going to commit homicide to the moron that thought one, these pants were a good idea and two, made then in a size DUMBO?
I am not picking on the ladies weight! I am picking on her fashion sense thinking that this pant would look good on her! They do make clothes for larger girls that are flattering! These pants are not an example of that! These pants are the rule of what you should never do to yourself. Not to mention they were knit, so all the rolls of fat in the places that no one wants to see where PLAINLY visible!
Here is the worst part! She was a freaking STYLIST! SHE was telling other people how to fix their hair and make-up and what to wear!
And yet she looks like a a damn quilt made in 1972! Look at the other stuff in the picture for scale people! These were a HORRIBLE IDEA!
My eyes bleed a little!
People this is a pair of knit pants with a zigzag pattern like your grandmothers quilt on a woman that is at best a size 28.
TWENTY FREAKIN EIGHT PEOPLE!!!!
I found a pair of pants out on the web that were similar.
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| These may actually be the pants FML! |
I am not picking on the ladies weight! I am picking on her fashion sense thinking that this pant would look good on her! They do make clothes for larger girls that are flattering! These pants are not an example of that! These pants are the rule of what you should never do to yourself. Not to mention they were knit, so all the rolls of fat in the places that no one wants to see where PLAINLY visible!
Here is the worst part! She was a freaking STYLIST! SHE was telling other people how to fix their hair and make-up and what to wear!
And yet she looks like a a damn quilt made in 1972! Look at the other stuff in the picture for scale people! These were a HORRIBLE IDEA!
My eyes bleed a little!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Marriage? I have sworn off it thanks!
There has been a lot of media and religious prattle about gay marriage lately. I am going to say something that may not be popular, but hear me out fully before you leave a comment.
As a born and raised southern baptist I am against gay marriage at face value.
HOWEVER!!!!! (see you got to read the whole thing)
If people want to get married let them! For goodness sakes people, marriage is a crap fest in its own right, and I think we should all suffer equally. I was married for seven years. I have been blissfully divorced for 11. I have been in a long term relationship for 10 and lived with said person for 8. We choose daily to stay together even though sometimes he does not deserve all this amazing awesomeness, but he is aware of that too and openly admits it.
I have gay friends, and they know that I do not agree with their lifestyle, but they are still my friends.
I think that in today's society we have enough troubles to face on a day to day basis. I respect the religious side of the argument, and I get the other side as well. Why would people who were told by Christ to be forgiving and loving to everyone be so violently argumentative towards others. You may be able to argue your point with scripture. I can argue that Abraham had a wife and multiple other baby mommas that Sarah knew about!
I can also bring to your attention that a 30 something year old bachelor in Jewish society in that era would have been an outcast and a disgrace to his family. Therefore it is highly likely that he was married, and that person is most agreed upon to be Mary Magdalene. She was considered to be a whore too! I love how the Christians have selective reading into their guidebook.
This is also why I have not been in a church on a regular basis for years! I practice my faith based on the teachings and philosophies of the Buddha, and make no apologies for not trusting the general religious right.
There are good Christians that are kind, loving, and accepting people. There are also sign waiving bible shaking religious fanatics that make everyone look like nut cases. There are good and bad people in every social group in society. The problem is that for the most part we seem to have all lost rational respectful debate as a method of communication. Politicians, religious people, even your normal everyday person seems to be lacking the ability to listen to other people's opinions as being just as valid as their own.
It is okay not to agree, but it is NEVER okay to shove your opinion down the throats of other as if it the only possible opinion. Well unless you don't agree with me, because we all know I have all the solutions and could solve the worlds problems really quickly!
Okay I know that usually my rant posts don't get a lot of action, but ugly girls got to go to the bar too! This is an ugly girl post and she is at the bar. If you are too ugly to her she may put visine in your beer!
Bring on the comments!
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| Source |
HOWEVER!!!!! (see you got to read the whole thing)
If people want to get married let them! For goodness sakes people, marriage is a crap fest in its own right, and I think we should all suffer equally. I was married for seven years. I have been blissfully divorced for 11. I have been in a long term relationship for 10 and lived with said person for 8. We choose daily to stay together even though sometimes he does not deserve all this amazing awesomeness, but he is aware of that too and openly admits it.
I have gay friends, and they know that I do not agree with their lifestyle, but they are still my friends.
I think that in today's society we have enough troubles to face on a day to day basis. I respect the religious side of the argument, and I get the other side as well. Why would people who were told by Christ to be forgiving and loving to everyone be so violently argumentative towards others. You may be able to argue your point with scripture. I can argue that Abraham had a wife and multiple other baby mommas that Sarah knew about!
I can also bring to your attention that a 30 something year old bachelor in Jewish society in that era would have been an outcast and a disgrace to his family. Therefore it is highly likely that he was married, and that person is most agreed upon to be Mary Magdalene. She was considered to be a whore too! I love how the Christians have selective reading into their guidebook.
This is also why I have not been in a church on a regular basis for years! I practice my faith based on the teachings and philosophies of the Buddha, and make no apologies for not trusting the general religious right.
There are good Christians that are kind, loving, and accepting people. There are also sign waiving bible shaking religious fanatics that make everyone look like nut cases. There are good and bad people in every social group in society. The problem is that for the most part we seem to have all lost rational respectful debate as a method of communication. Politicians, religious people, even your normal everyday person seems to be lacking the ability to listen to other people's opinions as being just as valid as their own.
It is okay not to agree, but it is NEVER okay to shove your opinion down the throats of other as if it the only possible opinion. Well unless you don't agree with me, because we all know I have all the solutions and could solve the worlds problems really quickly!
Okay I know that usually my rant posts don't get a lot of action, but ugly girls got to go to the bar too! This is an ugly girl post and she is at the bar. If you are too ugly to her she may put visine in your beer!
Bring on the comments!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Quick guide to picking a spouse!
So I can not take credit for this! It was sent to me in an email, but it was too funny and wonderful not to send out to the world!
From the mouths of babes the guide to selecting a mate!
From the mouths of babes the guide to selecting a mate!
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports she should like that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming
-- Alan, age 10
-No
person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides
it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-Twenty-three
is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
-You
might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
-Both
don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates
are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even
boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
--Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When
they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (Love her)
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
-- Pam, age 7 (Love her)
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
-It's
better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up
after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
-There
sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
-- Kelvin, age 8
And
the #1 Favorite is .......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-Tell
your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
-- Ricky, age 10
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Ring around the Interwebz!
Okay folks today I am over at The Indie Chicks again!
If you haven't followed me over there YET then here are the posts that you should check out!
My Indie Chick
The Essential Tool Kit
and today
Don't be a Cookie Cutter
Hurry.... CLICK!
If you haven't followed me over there YET then here are the posts that you should check out!
My Indie Chick
The Essential Tool Kit
and today
Don't be a Cookie Cutter
Hurry.... CLICK!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
PTAL's First Pageant!
So on June 16th PTAL competed in her first pageant, and here are pictures and the play by play of what happened!
3:00AM - Brain said time to wake up
6:30 AM - Left to drive to Clarksville
7:30 AM - arrive in Clarksville
8:00 AM - Check in and get things set up in the dressing rooms
around 9 ish she had her interview.
Then she got ready in her active wear for a private judging.
Then she got ready for the luncheon which was attended by all the royalty competing.
I got to sit with some royalty of my own!
Then back to the venue for rehearsals and practicing on stage so she felt comfortable. about 5PM she started to get ready for the evening of competition.
She started with the parade of contestants which she wore her interview outfit! Then they competed in talent!
She sang Ave Maria a cappella and NAILED IT! I was so nervous I never took a video I am an idiot!
PTAL won $375 in savings bonds and up to a $100 entry fee to another pageant! She was super thrilled and everyone commented on how well she did especially for a first timer! She is pretty worn out today, but is going to speak at a church to a group of teens about her platform Educating for Dating Safety!
3:00AM - Brain said time to wake up
6:30 AM - Left to drive to Clarksville
7:30 AM - arrive in Clarksville
8:00 AM - Check in and get things set up in the dressing rooms
Then she got ready in her active wear for a private judging.
I got to sit with some royalty of my own!
 |
| 2011 & 2012 Princess Elberta Queens! |
She started with the parade of contestants which she wore her interview outfit! Then they competed in talent!
She sang Ave Maria a cappella and NAILED IT! I was so nervous I never took a video I am an idiot!
 | |
| We were having issues with being in the dark and shooting, so this is her leaving stage! |
Then she competed in evening gown and on-stage questions. (again moron mom here no video)
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| Evening Gown Walk |
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| On-Stage Question |
Then we sat through a bunch of other stuff then the crowning.
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| Miss Congeniality! |
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| First Runner Up!!!! |
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| PTAL with Miss Arkansas Kristin Glover |
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| PTAL with the winner Miss Arkansas Valley Outstanding Teen Cori Keller |
PTAL won $375 in savings bonds and up to a $100 entry fee to another pageant! She was super thrilled and everyone commented on how well she did especially for a first timer! She is pretty worn out today, but is going to speak at a church to a group of teens about her platform Educating for Dating Safety!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Crossing fingers for PTAL!
Today is Saturday June 16th, I know news flash!
Princess Talks-A-Lot is competing today in the Miss Arkansas Valley Outstanding Teen pageant. I will be tweeting through the day as things are happening, and taking photos of what an amazing young woman she is. After all is said and done we will be posting the outcome and look forward to handing out great news!
At 8:00 AM we will have to be an hour away from home all dressed for interviews etc.
At 12:30 PM she will be attending a luncheon for contestants, judges, and other special people (like me)
At 6:30 PM we will begin competition.
We are not anticipating a win at her first pageant ever, but if those stupid judges don't see what I see then they are tools!
She is being sponsored by Eden Financial Group of Fort Smith Arkansas. If you are looking for a financial advisory firm, give them a call and see what they can do for you! Ms. Caitlin is the lady that brought Alia to their attention, and how cute is she with that hair! We just love her!
Follow me on Twitter to find out the play by play details. See the link at the top of the blog page!
I want her to win and I think she should, but I know I am biased!
Princess Talks-A-Lot is competing today in the Miss Arkansas Valley Outstanding Teen pageant. I will be tweeting through the day as things are happening, and taking photos of what an amazing young woman she is. After all is said and done we will be posting the outcome and look forward to handing out great news!
At 8:00 AM we will have to be an hour away from home all dressed for interviews etc.
At 12:30 PM she will be attending a luncheon for contestants, judges, and other special people (like me)
At 6:30 PM we will begin competition.
We are not anticipating a win at her first pageant ever, but if those stupid judges don't see what I see then they are tools!
She is being sponsored by Eden Financial Group of Fort Smith Arkansas. If you are looking for a financial advisory firm, give them a call and see what they can do for you! Ms. Caitlin is the lady that brought Alia to their attention, and how cute is she with that hair! We just love her!
Follow me on Twitter to find out the play by play details. See the link at the top of the blog page!
I want her to win and I think she should, but I know I am biased!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Me?? Kreativ????
To Red of Doesn't Speak Klingon, thank you! I am really thankful for this award. I just found blogging as a great way for my idle ramblings, and someone thought it was worth the read! Thanks again!
Those of you that have seen blog awards know there are some standard rules to them. This one is no different!
THE RULES:
- Thank and link back to the awarding blog.
- Answer seven questions.
- Provide 10 random factoids about yourself.
- Hand the award on to 7 deserving others. (had a hard time with that one)
SEVEN QUESTIONS
1. What is your favorite song? Suzanne Vega Tom's Diner
2. What is your favorite dessert? Chocolate Cheesecake will buy my soul
3. What do you do when you are upset? SEW!
4. Which is your favorite pet? I can't pick I love my cat, but have also had dogs I adore.
5. What is your guilty pleasure? Shoe and Fabric shopping (SHHH)
6. What is perfection? The beauty of imperfection
7. What is your attitude mostly? Snide and general irreverent
3. What do you do when you are upset? SEW!
4. Which is your favorite pet? I can't pick I love my cat, but have also had dogs I adore.
5. What is your guilty pleasure? Shoe and Fabric shopping (SHHH)
6. What is perfection? The beauty of imperfection
7. What is your attitude mostly? Snide and general irreverent
10 RANDOM FACTS
1. I dyed my hair black in high school and it turned green.
2. My significant other thinks social media is the debil and doesn't know about my blog
3. The day I am writing this my BFF got a shot in her hand for carpel tunnel
4. I am the best contractor in my area, but the penis patrol doesn't know it yet
5. I would love to live in the mountains away from civilization
6. Due to my upbringing I fight narrow mindedness and racist tendencies
7. I have a degree in construction management, but now want to sew
8. I listen to World War II radio programs from Conyers AM 600
9. I have swam with sharks in a closed tank
10. I have been to Mexico, and they thought I was a god because of my hair color.
MY NOMINEES FOR THIS AWARD
1. My BFF Megan Knows! She is an audiologist, and a crazy smart chick. If I could be half as cool as her I could consider myself a success.
2. Jewels at According to Jewels. She is my internet lover and she writes all over the place. If you don't know her you totally should! Oh and follow her around the internet like a love sick puppy.
3. The Indie Chicks! Let's be honest people these are the most bad ass chicks on the interwebz and being one of them is an honor! Heck I have been designated the Tool Girl for them, and I think that means I need to do the Tim Taylor grunt.
4. Gina at Desperately Seeking Gina. She is a foodie blogger mainly, and she makes me mad because she doesn't live close enough to me to cook dinner every night! However sometimes she has some of the most thoughtful crafty things you can imagine!
5. Christine at Crazy with a Side of Vanilla! I found her through The Bloggess and she is hilarious! Just a normal girl in a normal world of insanity and instability. We could be sisters!
6. Mama Bird at Twinstitution! She is a woman who the fates decided to provide the non fertility induced split embryo event of identical twins. She talks about the ups and downs of parenting and the honest uncertainties we all feel!
7. Missy at Graceful Little Honey Bee! This wonderful woman is so kind hearted and wonderful that she makes me look like a better person just because I read her blog. I have watched her belly grow and shrink with Walker and look forward to seeing all the Walker firsts!
Thats is what I have for you folks! You should take some time to check out all of these blogs. There is a wide variety of stuff in there to absorb. Just think of how many I read and try to keep up with that didn't get listed!
Thats is what I have for you folks! You should take some time to check out all of these blogs. There is a wide variety of stuff in there to absorb. Just think of how many I read and try to keep up with that didn't get listed!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
St. Patty Day A LA Hop Sing - Part Two
If you haven't caught the first part of this post yet, then you need to read that part too. It is kind of sets up this part the way the season finale sets up the season premier. Aren't you glad I didn't make you wait 6 months?
So we have rounds of Jager going around, well between the guys and friends. I have realized by this point I will have to drive the hour back home and should stop drinking. That doesn't stop me from making sure these guys have a GREAT time!
Hop is determined that the waitress thinks he is so cute and wants to date him. So every time she is within arms reach he grabs her like a drunken perv on pervert row at a strip club. Every time he does this she tells him he was ordering another shot, so she is ladling shots and drinks into him like his credit card doesn't have a limit. I know there were 20 jager shots, and about 10 tequila shots on his tab, and that doesn't count all the actual drinks too, nor does it count the rounds we bought.
Finally when they call for last call it is time to tab out and try to head home. Hop decides to head to the car, only he goes out the front door rather than the side door of the bar. This particular bar is on a VERY busy main highway that is only about 10 feet from the door. I grab his arm and swing him around into a chair. The bouncer asks me if I need any help and honestly I didn't Hop was so drunk that it was like flinging shot-put.
Finally I get the two boys into the car. Hop is laying down in the back seat and the other boy is in the passenger seat. We start to drive. I spend about five minutes hitting the hand of the passenger who is trying to shift my automatic vehicle like it is a 5 speed.
We stop for gas. While I am filling up the tank with gas the passenger decides Hop needs more drinks. He grabs his lower jaw and proceed to pour Guinness down Hop's throat, which Hop coughs all over the interior of my car, and the rest of the drink gets poured on the interior. Hop decides he needs food, and while I am putting the pump handle back on the pump he goes into the gas station. I get my receipt and go into the store to get him. Hop is buying hamburgers and burritos and nachos. The guy behind the counter asked me, "Is he with you? I will not sell him beer". I finally corral Hop and help him pay for his food purchase then realize one of the lenses is now missing from his glasses. We have no idea when this went missing and it isn't worth trying to find it at this point.
Back into the car and drive home, fight passenger more about not being in a five speed vehicle and FINALLY make it home!
Now I need to explain the floor plan of the house for a second. You walk in the front door and there is a wall on your left and the back of the sofa on your right. The dining room door is directly in front of you and the door from the kitchen is on the same wall as the dining room door but at the far right hand end of the room. The girls used to love running in circles from living room to kitchen to dining room and over and over again.
So the nanny is sitting on the sofa and the boys head forward into the dining room. I stop at the sofa to talk to her and the next thing I know Hop is diving head long towards the nanny coming from the kitchen door. I grab his coat and fling him on the sofa while the nanny runs around the coffee table the other direction to avoid him and escapes into the kitchen through the door he just lunged at her from. You need to play that whole event like some Looney Tunes cartoon in your head because that was the only way to describe the event.
I go into the kitchen and while I am talking to her, and we hear from the living room.....
"It was a girl I thought she was for me"
That was when the nanny left out the office door. We all went to bed and closed the doors to the living room so the girls didn't walk in on drunken Hop.
The next morning, the boys very hungover, we hear what happened in the middle of the night. Hop woke up at one point in his superman under roos on our sofa. He realized where he was and freaked out since he knew we had kids. He covered himself with sofa pillows and made it to the hall bathroom where he found his clothes. He dressed himself and went back to the living room to finish sleeping off his drunk.
So in his drunkenness he had gotten up gone to the bathroom stripped to his skivvies and made it back to the sofa, he even remembered to close the living room door on his way back to bed. However the part you really have to think about is, SUPERMAN UNDER ROOS PEOPLE! I can not make this shit up! He owned them! He was wearing them!
As we continue talking about what he remembers from the night, he says I remember we ordered a shot of Jager, then I woke up naked. SERIOUSLY?! There was so much alcohol and amusement in that loss of maybe 7-8 hours and you don't remember it! This is why Hop is the best person to party with EVER!
So we have rounds of Jager going around, well between the guys and friends. I have realized by this point I will have to drive the hour back home and should stop drinking. That doesn't stop me from making sure these guys have a GREAT time!Hop is determined that the waitress thinks he is so cute and wants to date him. So every time she is within arms reach he grabs her like a drunken perv on pervert row at a strip club. Every time he does this she tells him he was ordering another shot, so she is ladling shots and drinks into him like his credit card doesn't have a limit. I know there were 20 jager shots, and about 10 tequila shots on his tab, and that doesn't count all the actual drinks too, nor does it count the rounds we bought.
Finally when they call for last call it is time to tab out and try to head home. Hop decides to head to the car, only he goes out the front door rather than the side door of the bar. This particular bar is on a VERY busy main highway that is only about 10 feet from the door. I grab his arm and swing him around into a chair. The bouncer asks me if I need any help and honestly I didn't Hop was so drunk that it was like flinging shot-put.
Finally I get the two boys into the car. Hop is laying down in the back seat and the other boy is in the passenger seat. We start to drive. I spend about five minutes hitting the hand of the passenger who is trying to shift my automatic vehicle like it is a 5 speed.
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| This is about what I saw in the store, only they were prescription lenses |
Back into the car and drive home, fight passenger more about not being in a five speed vehicle and FINALLY make it home!
Now I need to explain the floor plan of the house for a second. You walk in the front door and there is a wall on your left and the back of the sofa on your right. The dining room door is directly in front of you and the door from the kitchen is on the same wall as the dining room door but at the far right hand end of the room. The girls used to love running in circles from living room to kitchen to dining room and over and over again.
So the nanny is sitting on the sofa and the boys head forward into the dining room. I stop at the sofa to talk to her and the next thing I know Hop is diving head long towards the nanny coming from the kitchen door. I grab his coat and fling him on the sofa while the nanny runs around the coffee table the other direction to avoid him and escapes into the kitchen through the door he just lunged at her from. You need to play that whole event like some Looney Tunes cartoon in your head because that was the only way to describe the event.
I go into the kitchen and while I am talking to her, and we hear from the living room.....
"It was a girl I thought she was for me"
That was when the nanny left out the office door. We all went to bed and closed the doors to the living room so the girls didn't walk in on drunken Hop.
The next morning, the boys very hungover, we hear what happened in the middle of the night. Hop woke up at one point in his superman under roos on our sofa. He realized where he was and freaked out since he knew we had kids. He covered himself with sofa pillows and made it to the hall bathroom where he found his clothes. He dressed himself and went back to the living room to finish sleeping off his drunk.
 |
| They make these for adults people! Who KNEW!? |
As we continue talking about what he remembers from the night, he says I remember we ordered a shot of Jager, then I woke up naked. SERIOUSLY?! There was so much alcohol and amusement in that loss of maybe 7-8 hours and you don't remember it! This is why Hop is the best person to party with EVER!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
St. Patty Day A LA Hop Sing - Part One
This is the second in the Hop Sing series. You can see the first one here. Also I will break this into two parts, because it really needs to be set up well, which will take a second.
Today we will discuss the wonderment of St. Patrick's Day as it should be celebrated with the china men. First I guess I have to step back a second and explain that Hop's family owned the chinese laundry and grocery store in a VERY SMALL town in Arkansas, and he always bragged about his southern chinese heritage. So that is part of the reason we gave him the name Hop Sing, the second reason was he was a damn good cook!
Okay St. Patty Day A LA Hop Sing!
So here it is St. Patty morning and I am working in a client's office on the first official drinking holiday of the year. Because New Year's isn't really the first holiday it is the transitional drinking holiday, and I believe in celebrating all the drinking holidays from all the world over! Keep in mind this is the retelling of a very drunken day, so there will be a lot of distractions, try to keep up. Client's office, yeah, I didn't want to be there, but whatever. Phone rings....
Boy: Hop and I are going to the races.
Me: What?
Boy: Hop and I have decided we don't want to go to work and we are going to Hot Springs to the races
Me: I wanna go!
Boy: Your working
Me: I am on contract and I can come and go as I please! I wanna go! Anyway it is freaking St. Patrick's Day!
Boy: Okay meet us at the house in 15 minutes.
Turn off computer, grab purse, say Happy Drunken Irishmen Day to the office slugs that have to stay, and LEAVE!
Meet the guys, drive to the Oaklawn Race Track in Hot Springs. At Oaklawn the ponies run every year from about February to April and it is awesome! We get to the track and buy our beers, corned beef sandwiches (because those are the best), and get a program. We watch the first race and pick our horses for the rest of the races for the day. We place our bets and proceed to have a fantastic time at the track drinking and eating and betting. This day is shaping up to go into history!
At some point I call the nanny (Megan we still love you) and ask what her schedule is since we are an hour away and not heading home for a while. She is free and says she can stay at the house until we arrive, which she understands could be the next morning.
We stay through every race. At the end of the day we are not really done partying and since we used to live in Hot Springs, we have a ton of friends who decide to meet us at the biker bar across the street from the race track.
Are you getting an idea of where this is heading yet? I have already alluded to copious amounts of alcohol consumption, and now I am talking about a biker bar and friends we haven't seen in a while. This is gonna get good people!
We enter the bar, get a table, and order a round of drinks, ask for the menu, and after about 20 minutes our friends start to trickle in. One, Two, Three, Four, and keep in mind there are three of us, Five, Six, Seven..... Since some of our friends eat and drink at this bar a lot, so everyone is getting on board with this is an impromptu party!
Then someone ordered a round of Jagermeister.................
To Be Continued (ha ha its like the season finale)
Today we will discuss the wonderment of St. Patrick's Day as it should be celebrated with the china men. First I guess I have to step back a second and explain that Hop's family owned the chinese laundry and grocery store in a VERY SMALL town in Arkansas, and he always bragged about his southern chinese heritage. So that is part of the reason we gave him the name Hop Sing, the second reason was he was a damn good cook!
Okay St. Patty Day A LA Hop Sing!
So here it is St. Patty morning and I am working in a client's office on the first official drinking holiday of the year. Because New Year's isn't really the first holiday it is the transitional drinking holiday, and I believe in celebrating all the drinking holidays from all the world over! Keep in mind this is the retelling of a very drunken day, so there will be a lot of distractions, try to keep up. Client's office, yeah, I didn't want to be there, but whatever. Phone rings....
Boy: Hop and I are going to the races.
Me: What?
Boy: Hop and I have decided we don't want to go to work and we are going to Hot Springs to the races
Me: I wanna go!
Boy: Your working
Me: I am on contract and I can come and go as I please! I wanna go! Anyway it is freaking St. Patrick's Day!
Boy: Okay meet us at the house in 15 minutes.
Turn off computer, grab purse, say Happy Drunken Irishmen Day to the office slugs that have to stay, and LEAVE!
Meet the guys, drive to the Oaklawn Race Track in Hot Springs. At Oaklawn the ponies run every year from about February to April and it is awesome! We get to the track and buy our beers, corned beef sandwiches (because those are the best), and get a program. We watch the first race and pick our horses for the rest of the races for the day. We place our bets and proceed to have a fantastic time at the track drinking and eating and betting. This day is shaping up to go into history!At some point I call the nanny (Megan we still love you) and ask what her schedule is since we are an hour away and not heading home for a while. She is free and says she can stay at the house until we arrive, which she understands could be the next morning.
We stay through every race. At the end of the day we are not really done partying and since we used to live in Hot Springs, we have a ton of friends who decide to meet us at the biker bar across the street from the race track.
Are you getting an idea of where this is heading yet? I have already alluded to copious amounts of alcohol consumption, and now I am talking about a biker bar and friends we haven't seen in a while. This is gonna get good people!
We enter the bar, get a table, and order a round of drinks, ask for the menu, and after about 20 minutes our friends start to trickle in. One, Two, Three, Four, and keep in mind there are three of us, Five, Six, Seven..... Since some of our friends eat and drink at this bar a lot, so everyone is getting on board with this is an impromptu party!
Then someone ordered a round of Jagermeister.................
To Be Continued (ha ha its like the season finale)
Monday, June 4, 2012
50 Shades of WHAT COLOR?!?!?
So technically I live in the second largest individual city in the state. However, that city is no where near the size of the other major metropolitan areas that consist of large cities adjoining each other. PLUS this town is a blue collar manufacturing town. That isn't to say it is bad, but that social make-up creates its own special melting pot of people.
I have been here 6 years, and know maybe 3 people outside of my coworkers. Most of my friends live out of state or hours away. Therefore I decided to join a certain society of women in the area that are very volunteer minded and active in the community. I wanted to become more active, promote my clothing line, and make new friends. Now these women are also very prim and proper, and in case you are new here I don't fall into that category on a daily basis. I would consider myself more of a bad ass chick that can play prim and proper on television kind of girl.
At the "coming out party" I (and others) asked for an email list of all the incoming people so that we could contact each other and possibly get together BEFORE official group organized functions. This would allow us to get to know each other better.
At the same function the pack of already initiated members were chatting ceaselessly about 50 Shades of Grey! They were explaining in very specific detail the premise of the book and some of the specifics of events in the book! Myself and others there were laughing about the whole thing. One girl said that she would be afraid to read it because she might blush (jokingly). The second girl said that she just bought it on her phone from amazon. I quipped that I was a contributor. Much merriment was had about this book, and I begin to think how great it is that maybe these ladies are not so prim and proper on the inside either!
Fast forward maybe a week or two, the list of emails arrives, and I send out an email to ALL new people and basically say this isn't an official special society thing, but that it might be fun to get to know one another and let's meet at the "adult" store. I explain the details in very cautious terms since I get that this is still a somewhat sensitive subject and click send!
I get back about 10 responses almost immediately that they are in and heck yeah! I even got one email of thanks but no thanks, which had that air of I am uncomfortable with this and would rather not. Which is also perfectly fine.
Then Monday rolls around! I get an phone call from the introductory class teacher lady telling me that it is not okay to send any email to the group that isn't approved by her. Well lady when YOU sent us the list of emails you didn't give any stipulations about rules. That events that have the society's name on them are to be approved by them. It didn't have the name on it I even said it wasn't an official thing. Plus that she understood I had the best of intentions but that I had offended some people so seriously that they were not joining the special group now. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? The whole thing was so hilarious I had a very hard time staying even remotely respectful on the phone.
You people are all talking about a book of non-standard sexual practices and you can't stand the mere concept of going to a passion party?!?! Does anyone else see the stupidity of this? Please tell me if I am totally off base here. Did I step out of line? Was I doing something that was obviously against the grain? I get that I am abrasive, but based off my experiences in the company of these ladies I figured this wasn't a strange request really.
So I got my hand slapped. I wrote to the people that DID want to come and we are having a party and that the email the leader lady sent slapping my hand publicly was no big deal and I seriously didn't care. I gave them the time and date and they were all game! After the leader lady email went out I got even more responses to the original email of interest to attend. Including one for a boudoir photographer that is IN the introductory class with me! Yes people she takes pictures of half naked women to give to their husbands and she is also joining the group of stuffed shirts.
My name is Sweety Darlin and I have had sex! I have two kids. I have had more than one sexual partner. Sex got boring after about the first year and I started exploring new and adventurous methods of pleasure. I love new things. I am sorry that your sex life is missionary boring. I am even more sorry that you are so embarrassed that you can't admit in a private group of women that you have sex ever.
What a sad little life that must be!
I have been here 6 years, and know maybe 3 people outside of my coworkers. Most of my friends live out of state or hours away. Therefore I decided to join a certain society of women in the area that are very volunteer minded and active in the community. I wanted to become more active, promote my clothing line, and make new friends. Now these women are also very prim and proper, and in case you are new here I don't fall into that category on a daily basis. I would consider myself more of a bad ass chick that can play prim and proper on television kind of girl.
At the "coming out party" I (and others) asked for an email list of all the incoming people so that we could contact each other and possibly get together BEFORE official group organized functions. This would allow us to get to know each other better.
 |
| I think they missed the point of the book! |
Fast forward maybe a week or two, the list of emails arrives, and I send out an email to ALL new people and basically say this isn't an official special society thing, but that it might be fun to get to know one another and let's meet at the "adult" store. I explain the details in very cautious terms since I get that this is still a somewhat sensitive subject and click send!
I get back about 10 responses almost immediately that they are in and heck yeah! I even got one email of thanks but no thanks, which had that air of I am uncomfortable with this and would rather not. Which is also perfectly fine.
Then Monday rolls around! I get an phone call from the introductory class teacher lady telling me that it is not okay to send any email to the group that isn't approved by her. Well lady when YOU sent us the list of emails you didn't give any stipulations about rules. That events that have the society's name on them are to be approved by them. It didn't have the name on it I even said it wasn't an official thing. Plus that she understood I had the best of intentions but that I had offended some people so seriously that they were not joining the special group now. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? The whole thing was so hilarious I had a very hard time staying even remotely respectful on the phone.
You people are all talking about a book of non-standard sexual practices and you can't stand the mere concept of going to a passion party?!?! Does anyone else see the stupidity of this? Please tell me if I am totally off base here. Did I step out of line? Was I doing something that was obviously against the grain? I get that I am abrasive, but based off my experiences in the company of these ladies I figured this wasn't a strange request really.
So I got my hand slapped. I wrote to the people that DID want to come and we are having a party and that the email the leader lady sent slapping my hand publicly was no big deal and I seriously didn't care. I gave them the time and date and they were all game! After the leader lady email went out I got even more responses to the original email of interest to attend. Including one for a boudoir photographer that is IN the introductory class with me! Yes people she takes pictures of half naked women to give to their husbands and she is also joining the group of stuffed shirts.
My name is Sweety Darlin and I have had sex! I have two kids. I have had more than one sexual partner. Sex got boring after about the first year and I started exploring new and adventurous methods of pleasure. I love new things. I am sorry that your sex life is missionary boring. I am even more sorry that you are so embarrassed that you can't admit in a private group of women that you have sex ever.
What a sad little life that must be!
Friday, June 1, 2012
You didn't want me to puke in our bag right? - Hop Sing 1
I have decided to do a series of posts on a friend of mine that has passed. He was a source of great enjoyment and merriment and we miss him terribly. I think after reading the various adventures of Hop Sing you too will love him as we do!
First Hop was the person that rescued me from my faux paw of drunk in public at the Christmas party! I love you Hop! Also he has had more strange things happen to him than can possibly be realistic! I swear he isn't the person from "I hope they serve beer in hell" but that kind of strange shit happened to him!
Today we shall discuss his flight problems. There are 3 and they are all brief so the can be joined together!
1. Hop's first flight.
Hop's first flight with the firm, he was to hang out with another one of the guys and that guy was to make sure he made his flight. They sat in the bar and waited until time to get on the plane. The time comes and the first guy gets on the plane, and Hop Sing doesn't. Well when they get to the destination they find out that Hop was on a different airline and was supposed to leave over an hour BEFORE the other guy! So the poor fellow didn't make it on the plane on his first trip out with the firm.
2. Hop Sing and the Flight Attendant.
On another flight the guys were all sitting on the back row of the plane, you know where there are 5 seats going all the way across. There were 4 guys and the flight attendant. She was serving drinks and things were going along just fine. As the drinks flowed, the guys started to notice how pretty the flight attendants skirt was and wondered if it was soft. After a while she stands up to do some flight attendant thing and Hop reaches out to touch the hem of her skirt. Just at that moment the plane hit turbulence and he TUGGED on the hem of her skirt. She whipped around and said, "You are all cut off!" Then proceeded to give them the stink eye the rest of the flight from the FRONT of the plane.
3. Hop Sing and the Air Sickness Bag.
These guys fly, A LOT! So much so they can tell you the best bar tenders in each terminal of almost every major airport nationwide. Are you in Terminal D of ATL right now, they will tell you who to ask for. I have done this on multiple occasions and it has always worked out for me!
Anyway one time the flight was delayed, SURPRISE! So more drinks at the bar are had by Hop Sing and a pack of other flight veterans! As they finally are able to get on the plane one of the guys gets on BEFORE Hop, and finds his seat. He sees Hop get on the plane and sit down in first class. The other guy is confused, Hop is sitting next to him, why is he sitting in first class. Did Hop get confused again?! So after about 5 minutes Hop stands up walks to his seat on the plane and sits back down. The other guy asks, "what were you doing? why did you sit in first class?"
Hops response, "Well I didn't think you wanted me to puke in our flight bag."
"What?"
Hop: "well I had to puke so I puked in someone else's flight bag."
"What did you do with it?"
Hop: "I put it back in the seat pocket where it belongs"
Seriously folks! This is what he did. Hop just vomited and left it in the seat pocket! Then abandoned the bag for someone to just FIND?! I have never reached in a seat pocket since this happened. I am terrified of how many other people do this.
There are so many more Hop stories, and the series will be well worth the laugh!
First Hop was the person that rescued me from my faux paw of drunk in public at the Christmas party! I love you Hop! Also he has had more strange things happen to him than can possibly be realistic! I swear he isn't the person from "I hope they serve beer in hell" but that kind of strange shit happened to him!
Today we shall discuss his flight problems. There are 3 and they are all brief so the can be joined together!
1. Hop's first flight.Hop's first flight with the firm, he was to hang out with another one of the guys and that guy was to make sure he made his flight. They sat in the bar and waited until time to get on the plane. The time comes and the first guy gets on the plane, and Hop Sing doesn't. Well when they get to the destination they find out that Hop was on a different airline and was supposed to leave over an hour BEFORE the other guy! So the poor fellow didn't make it on the plane on his first trip out with the firm.
2. Hop Sing and the Flight Attendant.
3. Hop Sing and the Air Sickness Bag.These guys fly, A LOT! So much so they can tell you the best bar tenders in each terminal of almost every major airport nationwide. Are you in Terminal D of ATL right now, they will tell you who to ask for. I have done this on multiple occasions and it has always worked out for me!
Anyway one time the flight was delayed, SURPRISE! So more drinks at the bar are had by Hop Sing and a pack of other flight veterans! As they finally are able to get on the plane one of the guys gets on BEFORE Hop, and finds his seat. He sees Hop get on the plane and sit down in first class. The other guy is confused, Hop is sitting next to him, why is he sitting in first class. Did Hop get confused again?! So after about 5 minutes Hop stands up walks to his seat on the plane and sits back down. The other guy asks, "what were you doing? why did you sit in first class?"
Hops response, "Well I didn't think you wanted me to puke in our flight bag."
"What?"
Hop: "well I had to puke so I puked in someone else's flight bag."
"What did you do with it?"
Hop: "I put it back in the seat pocket where it belongs"
Seriously folks! This is what he did. Hop just vomited and left it in the seat pocket! Then abandoned the bag for someone to just FIND?! I have never reached in a seat pocket since this happened. I am terrified of how many other people do this.
There are so many more Hop stories, and the series will be well worth the laugh!
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