WANTED: Mom

I haven't been at this blogging game for very long, but in the brief time on the interwebz I have made some cool friends. One of these new friends is Mama Bird from Twinstitution! First she is a mom who just decided to get preggers and the fates decided she was strong enough to have the rare split embryo genetic event of identical twins WITHOUT any kind of fertility stuff! This is no Octomom crap this is a conspiracy! May the force be with you Mama Bird! 

She made the suggestion to write something as an encouragement to mommies! I have to say that I don't know that I really encourage mommies, but what I can offer is some realistic face slaps! I would classify being a mom like a job. Here is the ad you see in the paper or online for this job. It costs a lot to place this ad, but in the goal to be upfront we have tried to list everything. 

WANTED Mom. Requirements: uterus, ovaries, vagina, titties, and two "X" chromosomes. You will be expected to work 24 hours a day 7 days a week for hugs and kisses which will decrease over the length of your career. You will be expected to administer medicine, wrap injuries, keep cool under pressure including squirting blood, broken bones, and excessive bodily secretions. Should your charges be girls you will be required to make mad cap dashes for new shoes, panty hose, tampons, pads, panties, and replacement pants. Should your charges be boys these will include dealing with the intrusion of small creatures that should reside outside your home and amusement at all bodily functions. 

You will be required to begin your career with a significant lack of sleep, the strength to deal with clinging, crying, poopy, snotty underlings that have no ability to accomplish any task whatsoever on their own. As your charges age your role will include cooking, cleaning, teaching, repeating school all over again to aid with homework, deal with all the drama of school all over again to teach your children how to deal with interpersonal relationships. You will be expected to have the answer to every obscure, strange, and intrusive question that should come to your charges mind, without hesitation. Said answer must be logical and acceptable or you will be expected to explain until the "whys" cease. 

You are going to have all personal time destroyed. You will no longer pee, shower, have a phone conversation, dress, and sometimes have relations without on-lookers. You will have no control or possession of your body. Your legs and arms are solely for hugs and clinging, they are also good hand holds for climbing. Your breasts will become pillows for crying, naps, or just consoling of bad days. You will also loose all mental faculties. Your memory will be destroyed, and any abilities to carry on an intelligent rational conversation that doesn't include spelling out words or using terms associated with Nick Jr and the Disney channel.

As your charges begin to involve themselves in various activities you will become expected to have endless funds to buy concessions, school fund raisers, uniforms, sports gear, t-shirts, party supplies, new outfits, and anything else that is required at 10 PM the night before the deadline. You will never be warned by a teacher of problems with grades as these ladies usually have children of their own plus the educational maintenance of probably 30 - 200 children. 

Eventually you will reach a point that your charges will be grown enough to begin their own lives and leave your domicile and have one of their own. You will be expected to pay for college (which includes books, tuition, room and board), provide laundry services, car maintenance, car insurance, gas money, food, food money, clothing, clothing money, and all other costs that may be incurred as a result of additional requirements not listed on the syllabus. Upon eventual completion of the collegiate education your charges may find employment that will result in them getting their first apartment which you will be expected to furnish and stock fully, and occasionally add to the stock when required. Should they not find employment you will need to remove all your hobby items from their original bedroom as they will move back into your domicile and you will again be expected to support them as if they were still in junior high. 

This job description is only a brief explanation of the job duties, and we reserve the right to add, deduct, and change this description without notice or provocation. There will be no additional pay for changes, and you will be expected to shut up and deal with it when they occur. 

Okay mommies, you know this is the truth and you are NOT alone. Future mommies, you have been duly warned so take heed and gird your loins. For the rest of you, this warning may reinforce your choice not to procreate. Go ahead and get the tubal tomorrow before you change your mind. Adoption is an option and it can reduce some of the helpless human portion of the job, but you also take a risk of other unforeseen circumstances. 

Penis Patrol vs ........?

So for a really long time I have always joked about the Penis Patrol. It has been my way of reminding men that they only think with little willie and that their behavior is pretty standard.

I have been trying to determine for a really long time what to call girls! It needed to be something wonderful and memorable like penis patrol and it had to work together!

A few weeks ago the team and I were up in Rogers Arkansas for the FLW fishing tournament, we weren't doing any fishing, but some people we know were putting together the television show. So off we go to Northwest Arkansas over the river and through the tunnel to Rogers we go.... (make sure you sing that to the tune of Over the River)

We are staying at the Embassy suites and our host isn't an early riser, but we are so down to the amazeballs custom omlette station we go!!! Seriously I love that place buckets of junk and you just tell them everything you want and they throw it in and make an omlette MMMM.

Okay so we are sitting there and see a female soldier sitting alone. THAT IS NOT RIGHT!!!

So I go over to her and say, "We think that you sitting alone is just a travesty and we would like you to join us for breakfast"

She very politely declines, and I go back to my seat.

When she finishes her meal she comes to our table and said, "I really appreciate your offer, but I work with men all day and I was actually enjoying the silence"

HELL Honey I am right there with you! It is all good!

The next morning we are down there again, only this time she is with a pack of men. Poor girl!

I walk right up to her in this pack of boys and I say..."I see you are sporting a penis patrol this morning, and if you would like to have one last bastion of estrogen you are welcome to join us this morning" She bursts into laughter, the men look confused (shocking I know) and I return to my seat. She didn't join us which was okay, but at least we made her laugh!

As we sit at our table and notice the large table of military personnel in their uniforms, it occurs to me........

Of course! That was perfect! So upon leaving we stop at the table of these individuals and tell them, "I hope we didn't hurt your little penis patrol feelings, I know you boys have fragile emotions, but the vajay brigade has to stick together"

Again she bursts into laughter, then men look confused, and we depart feeling quite satisfied. I will be designing Vajay Brigade Gear for the Cafe Press store soon!

I wanna trade pink hard hats and work boots for heals and skirts!

Okay so I am going to give a little insight into who I am. I know you may or may not care, but I try to keep my real life and my internet persona very separate. Of course there are a few people that know about both. This makes it a little harder for the zombies to find me and eat my brains.

I usually look like this on site! So NOT sexy! 

I have been working in construction since I was YOUNG (12)! My father owned an asphalt company and when I was too old for daycare and too young to stay home I went to work in the summers on an asphalt roller with convicts from the maximum security prison.

Yeah I know parents of the year!

When I was 15 my mom bought a drapery workroom. Which is a fancy way to say I went to work making custom draperies for doctor's wives with too much money and not enough sense. Well maybe they had sense they are married to doctors and they don't work. Ok I hate them now that I think about it.

I have worked doing a TON of things. I furnished vacation condos. I worked in fast food, which was awesome! I worked for Architects. I worked for real estate developers, which are like fancy con men. They weren't Donald Trump status they were more like the Larry Flint of real estate. I have worked for general contractors, subcontractors, and worked for myself.

The long story short I have done a lot in construction in my career, and I am now working to move into something else. To be honest I am so tired of dressing in jeans every day! I want to put on a skirt, and wear my freaking SHOES! Also when I worked for myself I went to the gym, was buff and had tons of energy. Now I am ample and sluggish and while I have a GREAT RACK! I have a spare tire to go with it!

I spend most of my time at work pretending to work, because when I do anything my boss(es) come behind me and change things. If I am lucky they tell me, but usually they just throw me under the bus and make me look like a fool.

At one point in my career I worked for an AWESOME company that paid me PLENTY to do what I was best at. When they wanted to move me halfway across the country away from my ailing daddy, I left the firm. I literally cried through the phone conversation when I resigned. I miss them so bad! The reason I left was they travel and if I wasn't going to travel I had to leave.

SO HOT! I wanna date him!

Now I live and work in an area with a lot of good ol' boys.

Imagine that guy in dockers and a polo. That is what I am dealing with here. They are all part of the penis patrol and think girls are for getting coffee.

Now I don't say this because I am bitter, even though somedays I am. I say this because I have had men say to me...

1. We don't know if a woman can do this job. 
2. We wondered if you would be able to handle the men in the field.
3. We don't think your family situation will work for us. 
4. We want employees that put the job first and family second. 

Yes people all of these are illegal statements, but in this area it is no different than "Do you want fries with that?"

So I blog about all the really fun weird crap that happens in my life. I hang out with pageant girls. I sew lots of cool and strange things, and most days I just drink myself happy like a normal person, except when I am dieting like now DAMN IT!

Hope I haven't bored you too much! I just keep sewing just keep sewing just keep sewing!

I am not allowed to Drink and Talk!

So once upon a time, long long ago I learned a very important lesson....

When drinking, do not mix your beverages! Because it results in a Party in the Stomach!

Okay so the way I learned this lesson was at a Christmas Party. Not my own companies either, which was even more disgraceful!

We are at the fancy restaurant which the company rented out for the night. I am having a drink of this and a drink of that, I am not really sure what all they were.

We sit down for a nice meal, and I realize things are not going right. I excuse myself to the ladies room and make it just in enough time to loose my meal. I was really glad there was no one in the restroom at the same time.

While standing in the powder room area fixing myself up to rejoin the party, still very drunk, in walks the girlfriend of one of my dates co-workers. She is not sober either and is complaining about the SMALL bonus that they guys get every year.

In my ever so graceful manner I say, "Well the boss man bought your man his first whore when he was 17, so it isn't aboout the end of the year bonus, it's about all the bonuses!"

I stumble back to the table only to discover that about 30 minutes has past, I stop drinking, and shortly thereafter we head home. I slur my great thanks to the wonderment that was our nanny, and go to bed.

The next morning, our phones have about 10 angry voice mail messages mainly from the co-worker and his girlfriend, complaining about how I can't hold my liquor and blab about long term secrets.

I figured if you are going to sleep with a man whore (AKA Roadie), you would think you would be prepared for his past!

Anyway, then the next work day my date is told that I am not welcome at the next company party. OUCH!

Well I ended up being allowed at the next company Christmas party, but for sure stayed sober this time. I had learned my lesson and was not going to be the biggest offender.

Of course the biggest offender that next year was way worse than me! During the bosses annual speech, as he introduced the newest accountant, an actual employee stood up and screamed,

Thank you Hop Sing! I am off the hook!

Today I broadcast my SHAME!

So when I was 15 like so many other girls my age I was madly in love with New Kids on the Block! I know now is when you loose a little respect for me. But Jewels wore these so we are equal!

I had the alarm clock, shirts, hats, posters, tapes. I wrote letters, read Teen Beat and whatever else so I could know everything there was to know about Jordan, Joey, Donnie, Jon, and Danny. In my defense I had to look up the names because I had for gotten two of them.

At a New Kids on the Block concert I met Christy! We were fast friends! She lived in St. Louis I think at the time and had driven all the way down to Little Rock to see their concert. She was a few years older than me, but she and I talked about them, dreamed about them, everything. She even moved to Boston to try to get to be closer to them and went to Jordan's church a few times. She liked him the best. I know stalker, but this was before the bad stalker days we were still groupies then.

My senior year of high school I even went to visit because I hoped to see Joey, who was my favorite.

**Crazy Time Warp**

Now we are grown up! She has a daughter graduating from high school. I have two daughters in the 7th and 10th grades. She calls and the the following occurs.

Her: I am calling to have you talk me out of doing something really stupid

Me: Don't drink the beer with visine in it because it will give you the shits and you will run through hotel lobbies shitting all over yourself and then the Mexican maid will make you clean it up

Her: Hysterical Laughter

Me: Okay so what other stupid stuff do I need to talk you out of?

Her: Well I have changed jobs and I have some 401K money that isn't much and rather than roll it over like I should we decided to take a cruise for our anniversary and your birthday.

NOTE: she got married on my 20th birthday, but they never ask me to go on these anniversary trips. Some friend huh?

Her: OR I could spend a little of the money and go to a New Kids concert where you actually get to meet them, and I could go with Victoria. (her daughter)

Me: OMG Just Say NO to the NKOTB! Seriously they are no longer relevant and no one cares except old has been women that are trying desperately to hang on to some last remaining shred of their childhood with every claw they have.

Her: hysterical laughter

Me: You do not want to be associated with these people. They will wear clothes that are too small and try to throw their bras on stage, but then their boobs will hit the floor and people will think there has been an earthquake.

Her: more laughter

Me: I am glad that Victoria thinks they are cool  enough and holds onto that as some sort of thing to have in common with her mom, but you need to be strong here. We have reached the age where we can afford to be truly horrible and not get caught for it. Like buy a Chippendale for a night, or do things that younger underage people can't afford to do.

Her: more laughter

Me: Remember that scene in some southern based film with Kathy Bates tells some smart ass kids she is older and has more insurance?

When we get older we look back on our youth and we romanticize it. We think about how much better things were back then, and how much more we loved our lives before mortgages, bills, kids, and all this other junk that clogs our days now. However just because we did it then does not mean we should do it now. We have more money now and we should do things that meet with that station in life.

My suggestion to her was to go to the sex toy store. She hadn't been to one in years! YEARS PEOPLE! I can't go a month without visiting! Think of all the things she is missing out on! (Click at your own risk)

Pin-ups, Make-up, and Sex Toys!

So I have some really amazing people in my town that are so much better people that I am. They go to church and pray for my damned soul, which I appreciate since I am pretty messed up most days.

I wanted to give you a little information on them, since they are freaking amazing people and I LOVE THEM! Okay not in a sexual way you pervs, but in a more girl on girl drinking buddy way.

First: BEAUTY'S BOUTIQUE! The owners are Bevin and Arthur, and they are pretty much the coolest people on the face of the planet. She is all pin up gorgeous, and he is like a cross between a greaser and Guy from the Food Network!

They sell the most amazing pin-up style clothes EVER! Plus they sell my children's clothes, and let's just me honest it is all about me! You can find them on Facebook and Twitter as well as other places, but those are the two I follow.

Second: Is Pleasures by Kasey... THE SEX TOY STORE!!! Kasey is the coolest chick you can imagine, and she is also really sweet about something that a lot of people are uncomfortable with. I attended a girls night out there a few weeks back and let's just say that it was AWESOME!

She had a lady doing hair and make-up (Jaims), a massage lady, a spray tan lady, and a lady that was doing boudoir photography as well! You can find Kasey on Facebook as well, and she is always willing to help with anything.

See how pretty!

Oh and lastly there is Keli Pyle! She is a Mary Kay consultant, and yeah yeah I know multi-level marketing blah blah blah. I don't sell the stuff, but she does and she is AMAZING!!!!

She sold me some stuff that is helping those black rings under my eyes slowly go away! Let's be honest here people that is pretty freaking awesome!

She also hand makes the cutest little handbags called Strawberry Ice Clutches,

Okay so there is my nice post of the month. Back to my devilish ways.

BACON! Only one thing smells like bacon and that's BACON!!

I love the dog treats commercials for the Beggin Strips, where the golden retriever has a helmet cam running through the house trying to find the bacon. This is my family when I start to cook bacon. It is like you must defend the freshly cooked pile of bacon with an arsenal because they will inhale it before breakfast can be served. PIGS oh wait PIG EATERS!

I don't usually write about food, but bacon is generally not considered a food it is considered more of a condiment in our house and a necessary evil to the mere existence of consumable sustenance.

So for a long time now The Roadie has asked me to make him the Bacon Log. I have avoided the request because I seriously thought that we would all take one bite and have instant massive heart attacks and die. However for whatever reason I chose to make this log of cholesterol concealed as food.

This was the finished product in all its
BBQ grease covered glory

Once I weaved the bacon PIMA and PTAL were running around like the golden retreiver trying to figure out a way to snort the bacon. The grabbed straws, cut them short and I got this picture.

Snorting bacon will be the next new thing now!

I think I should be more concerned that they knew what to do to snort the drugs.

So I follow the instructions in the original recipe but added a little more BBQ sauce. Not because I actually wanted to, but because the Roadie came in at that point and poured on more and slathered it around with his hands because he said it made it better.

A little more sauce than was needed

So just before going into the oven we have this log of pigs. I only had one slice, but Roadie  and PTAL devoured this thing like they had never eaten in their lives. It was actually decent, but SO MEATY! *Said in the appropriate Soup Chat Stew way**

Unsuspecting Pig Parts!

Shooting Blanks! - Part Deux

This is part two of the post about the Shoot Shop! This might not be considered rated G.

Like I said, I went to a class to learn to use my fancy digital camera. Of course while we were at the farm we did some other shooting as well, but we didn't need a class on that since Princess Talks-A-Lot and I are all Annie Oakley and Belle Starr types.

PTAL channeling

Annie Oakley

Buckmaster 22

Every girl needs a Red Rider!

So while at this class these very well put together ladies were the measure that I have compared myself to for YEARS! This is where high school never ends! I spent my time at the shop being very quiet, but on the few occasions I would not bite on my tongue little blurbs would come out that got some interesting looks. 

The best one was at lunch when I said I thought the Doritos Loco Taco at Taco Bell was "fundamental food rape". Because seriously people have you thought about how orange fingers while eating a taco should be greese, not cheese. EW.

This is my brain image of
these amazing women! 

Anyway, while watching these women all day I learned something really interesting about myself, well I should really call it an epiphany (google it for the vocabularily (its a word because I say so!) challenged).

I always thought I wanted to be the put together mom in the SUV with the kids and soccer games, and dinner on the table, and all that jazz. They all had their stuff together and I will be honest I envy that a little.

You know what I learned though? I LOVE that I am a foul mouthed irreverent psycho! I love that my friends come to my house to bitch ceaselessly and drink until they can't leave.

I love that my kids are all "My mom is mean and she hates kids" to their kindergarten classes. I love that when I help out at the sex toy store the owner follows every statement I make with "I love her, she has no filter".

They are multi-tasking while I am putting
vodka in the kids squirt guns! 

Now don't get me wrong, these ladies in no way whatsoever said or did anything that made me feel unwelcome or anything, they were AMAZING. I just realized this truth quietly in my head amongst all the other voices that hang out in there. That all these years I have compared myself to them silently wanting their put together lives. That I love my crazy ass life!

So enjoy future photos that I can now take due to the AMAZING education I received, and I promise not to take too many photos of people with horrid fashion sense.

WHO THE HELL AM I KIDDING! That is all I am going to look for now. BEWARE PEOPLE OF WAL-MART!

See Previous Post about

Dressing for the Occassion and Undergarments!

I popped my Indie Chick Cherry!

So today check me out over at The Indie Chicks! I am talking about My Original Indie Chick....

My Mom! She was the biggest and best influence in my life and I miss her more than words explain!

This is my MOM in 1970!

Shooting Blanks! - Part One

I have elected to write this in two parts. First the nice kind and G rated part for all the people that were at the event that were so sweet and nice.

So about a month ago I participated in The Shoot Shop. It was to learn how to use my fancy digital camera.

Anyway this was conducted by some REALLY NICE ladies. Trust me people I was keeping my mouth shut these were good people I didn't want to spontaneously combust and damage her lovely home. I won the chance to go to this event FOR FREE! though Arkansas Women Bloggers. I was shocked and amazed that I won, since I usually win nothing as evidenced by the $540 million power ball that I didn't win either.

Okay so the teachers were Ruthanne from eclectic what not and Melissa from Melissa Stover Photography and A Familiar Path. There were a total of seven people there, and they were all church going, home schooling ladies, well except for one who was a high school junior being home schooled.

Lovely well decorated home! 

Nice people! There are some not in this shot because my group
shot was BAD, and they were too nice to post a bad photo.

I know one of the other attendees is a blogger, so I have linked to all their posts about their experiences at the event.

See pretty flowers at the farm! 

See them all here!

Ruthanne
Melissa
Emily

I can now say that I can take a picture that is actually worth looking at, and I tried to take some since I don't want to forget what I learned. 1,2,3: ISO, APERTURE, SHUTTER SPEED!

Even growing on the wagon wheel

I used to take tons of pictures in the automatic mode of my camera and I threw away about 75% of them and was vaguely satisfied with the rest.

NOW... I take just as many photos and I only throw away about 50% usually because of slow shutter speed and the picture is all fuzzy. However the rest of them are usable and I actually LIKE them!

My wish of a winter was lost therefore all this still exists!

I just want to say thank you to all the ladies that were there for lowering themselves to association with the like of me. I also would like to thank Arkansas Women Bloggers for sending me I learned TONS but I can't promise I will use my new powers for good. Lastly THANK YOU to Ruthanne and Melissa, you were so nice and easy to understand.

YEAH!

Now for the rest of this post I will go back to my normal ways. Hope you enjoyed these pictures since this was likely to be the last of using my new powers for good.

Loved this flower and Roadie's mom does too! 

Step One - Hire Nanny to Torture Kids!

So when the girls were little we had a series of nannies because I was running in little bitty circles running my own company and I needed a spare set of hands.

There were good nannies and bad nannies... Then there was MEGAN!

Fireworks, stars, jubilation! 

There is only one way to describe the wonderful world that is MEGAN! PERFECTION safely wrapped in a nerd shell!

She worked for us for a little over two years and was the best nanny ever, now she is just part of our family from afar with her fancy doctorate degree helping people hear better.

However this post is about how she tortured our kids! TORTURED I TELL YOU!

One day when picking the girls up from school in her fancy new car! It looked like this!

Little Orange Clown Car!

They pile into the back seat and point to this...

It didn't have the arrow though! Just a BIG RED BUTTON!

And say, "What is that for?"

Unwavering her answer was, "The ejector seat button for when you misbehave"

We'll behave! We'll BEHAVE! 

This might be a slight exaggeration of their reaction, but they remember it like this. Remember they were maybe 6 and 8 give or take.

One day, years later, I had to pull onto the side of the road and when I went to hit the hazard button Princess Talk-A-Lot screamed a little and jumped in the seat.

When I asked why her response was, "Because ever since Megan told me it was the ejector seat button it doesn't matter that I know it isn't I am still am scared of the button"

PRICELESS!!!