UPDATED: Then we can be Lesbian lovers!

Hell Yeah I look like this at 6AM! 

So my BFF calls me at 6:30 in the morning central time because she knows I wake at the most unreasonable hours everyday of the week.

BFF: I have to tell you something, but you can't tell my parents

Me: Well seeing as how I live three hours from them and don't talk to them unless it is a family function I think we are good

BFF: There is a job at really awesome hospital that opened up and I applied!

Me: BAD ASS! Your mom will be so happy, but you can't tell her because she will start looking for houses before you have gotten a call from them.

BFF: I know, but I had to tell you.

We go on about our days and at lunch we have the following phone conversation.

BFF: I am really obsessing about this job

Me: I am obsessing about my job too.
*Clarification: I have applied at a different really awesome hospital and am waiting to hear*

BFF: They close the opening on the 19th

Me: They will start reviewing mine no sooner than the 17th

BFF: We are in sync again! AWESOME!

Me: Okay then we should pray to all the powers of the cosmos and stay in sync because when we are in sync things happen in pairs for us and all is well with the world.

BFF: So your saying that if this works out it will be either really awesome and we both get new jobs or it will suck ass and our lives will go down in a flaming ball of shit?

Me: Yep! But here is the plan! If we both get the jobs then you move closer to home and we can shop once a month together and your mom will pick out houses and daycares and have you pregnant before you know what happened. If we go down in flames, you divorce hubby, I kick boyfriend out, we live together as lesbian lovers with a streaming porn site of our lives.

Yeah I would totally do this! In COLLEGE! I have kids perverts! 

BFF: Stop trying to sleep with the nanny

Me: Hey if we have a plan then we know what to do once we have results!

BFF: Okay I gotta go back to work. I am glad there is a defined plan I feel better now.

Oh and this happened while I was sitting at a table in the student center of a local university surrounded by five other people of which only two knew me.

Yep my life rocks!

************************************************************************

I wrote this when it happened but I will provide an update once we have information. Because I was on a roll and had a bunch of other posts scheduled, and I didn't want to mess up the plan see.

Between the time I wrote this and when it was scheduled to go live, my BFF started a blog. Go visit her! I bet she has a much nicer blog than me, she is a better person than me LOL.
************************************************************************
UPDATE: She and I both have gotten phone interviews. Hers went really well and mine is next week. I have been practicing for a phone interview for a while and in person one too, so I am going to do my damndest to get this freakin job!

Your next Miss Hell Hole is.........

So my friends know that I do a lot with the Miss Arkansas pageant system. I have worked with a lot of pageant girls and seen more boobs and butts and coochies then you all want to know about. Well the boys might, but you are perverts and I ignore you anyway.

So during my daily drive talk, which is my commute home that I talk to all my friends so that my time at home is spent focused on family, my friend fore tells to me that in her state of South Carolina there is a festival called......

HELL HOLE SWAMP FESTIVAL

Hang on it gets better!

She tells me that two thirds of the events at this festival are PAGEANTS!!!

SERIOUSLY you have a MISS HELL HOLE??!?!?!?!?!?!? How exactly do you prepare for this?

This is from 2011 people! 

Do you commit multiple obvious sins like carry a golden idol while cursing at your GD parents?

Here is the complete list of this years events! Plus a Facebook!

Here are the highlights of the festival in my opinion

Friday April 27

• Baby Miss & Baby Master Pageant (0-11mos)
• Wee Miss & Wee Master Pageant (12-23mos)

Saturday April 28

• Toddler Miss & Master Pageants (24-35mos)
• Tiny Miss Pageant (3-4yrs)
• Tiny Master Pageant (3-5yrs)
• Little Miss Pageant (5-6yrs)
• Junior Miss Pageant (7-9yrs)
• Pre-teen Miss Pageant(10-12yrs)

Sunday April 29

• Announcement of 2012 Hell Hole Swamp Governor
• Junior Teen Miss Pageant (13-14yrs)
• Miss Teen Pageant (15-16yrs)
• Miss Hell Hole Pageant (17-23yrs)

Saturday, May 5

• Hell Hole Swamp 10K Gator Run
• Annual Hell Hole Swamp Parade
• Legs Contests - Four Divisions
• Children’s Spitting Contest (Cocoa Mix)
• Arm Wrestling
• Ugly Dog Contest & Pretty Dog Contest (All dogs must be on leash)

There are ELEVEN pageants for people and TWO for animals! The best part is their Facebook is mainly questions about the pageants. Now I have seen some strange things in my day and some of them will never be unseen, but this is one that I feel the need to drive to Jamestown, South Carolina and hang out at the Steel Shed to watch the Miss Hell Hole Pageant. 

I can see this being the dress that you would win in! 

I really hope her crown is a red pitchfork shape!

Then she hit him in the DING DING!

So Princess Talk-A-Lot is coming to a very critical point in her education. You know the point where you start taking the SAT and ACT, going to look at colleges, finding out how broke your parents are going to be, all that general crap that we have done in our lives. Well a lot of us have. I didn't do it the so called traditional way, but I am working for her to do it that way.

So last night she was at a Math Boot Camp.

Not exactly like this, but afterwards her brain felt like this. 

She realized she didn't have her graphing calculator, because we don't use pen and paper and our brains anymore to graph things the old fashioned way. So she asked the boyfriend to borrow his. They went to his house to pick it up. She bent down to pick up something, he reached for something and elbowed her in the eye. She swings and hits him in the ding ding.

Now they are both damaged. His father accuses her of trying to feel up his son's junk. She accuses the boyfriend of abuse, and everyone has a laugh.

When I go to pick her up, she slips on the curb and bashes her really expensive teeth on the edge of the car door which brought a small amount of blood, but nothing major.

Fast forward to this morning......

She looks like this.....

Not Princess Talks-A-Lot, but a close representation

Well obviously this isn't her picture because she will not let me photograph this for posterity, but she has a black eye and a fat lip. The outer edge of her eye looks like she has tons of smeared mascara and bad eyeshadow all over it!

So this morning when I take her to school I wait for the boy and show him her eye, and he breaks into tears because he felt so bad. I know it was a total accident, but it was fun to harass the poor child for marking my beautiful princess. The young man's father was so apologetic and said he saw the incident and he was really trying to make sure I wasn't pressing charges.

God NO! Had he meant to do this, and had it not been something that she had already told me about and been laughing about I might have, but this is the trials of teenage foolishness.

So to my internet stalkers I have one piece of advice. Remember that your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, whatever is not your personal property to mark up like a chalkboard. So don't leave hickeys, bruises, cuts, or other mars on their person. This is just a sign of disrespect.

Crazy Wino Roommate Girlfriend!

Okay I have to tell this story, because it is has turned into a real laugh fest.

***crazy time warp swirl***

Thanksgiving 2011, the girls are off at their dad's house, and I am hanging out at Mike's house. Now Mike has his booty call girl Ginger over too.

We are sitting in the living room looking at the bar in his house. He has decided to start collecting gallon jars of miscellaneous pickled items. Eggs, sausages, onions, whatever he can find pickled in a gallon jar. Yeah it is highly disturbing!

This is the look he is going for!

Ginger is guzzling her boxed wine and getting seriously sideways! I am on my second drink in three hours, because I am a slow drinker when in an environment I can't control. My date, George, is maybe 6 drinks in, but he is a drinker and isn't truly evil, YET. Mike is just sitting back watching the party.

She did use a glass, but this was about how fast she drank. 

Now I need to add the following statements for clarity. George loves to piss dumb drunk redneck girls off. You must read Ginger's statements slurred to the point of near unintelligible. I have dramatically reduced the 15 minute circus to the high point that I remember.

George: Those sausages need to be in a girls mouth
Ginger: What the fuck did you say? No one has ever talked to me like that.
George: Well I wasn't talking to you like anything.
Ginger: ^)#$@*&^_(*&^$%^^#$
George: What the hell is your problem, maybe you need one in your mouth to shut you the fuck up.
Ginger: Sweety you need to control your man
Me: He is a grown man I don't control him
Ginger: )*^&)*^%$&$@#*(%^_(*^(&#$%
Me: It's time to go

At this point the girl attempts to physically attack me and George, and we just leave while Mike holds her off.

***crazy time warp swirl***

Last week, I turn my phone on at 6:00 AM and there is a voice mail that came in overnight. It is crazy drunk Ginger now Mike's girlfriend and surprise she is drunk again. She babbles about how she doesn't even know why I hate her, and that she wants us all to be friends and blah blah blah.

I ignore the message, and tell George that he needs to call Mike, because they are good friends, and tell him to keep that woman off my phone.

Two days later my phone rings late one night, and the only reason it was on was because one of the girls was out on a date and I keep it on then. SURPRISE crazy drunk girlfriend on the phone drunk AGAIN! I am seeing a theme here. She is rambling about come to a BBQ, I don't know what happened, I want to be friends. blah blah blah. I just respond with we will see, and hang up.

This vaguely reflects me while listening to this freak! 

Next day, Mike calls George and is laughing that he is going to have to kick this psycho out of his house. George can hear in the background that she is sideways and physically violent. Mike gets off the phone and we haven't heard from him.

I am pretty sure that I need to send George to check on him and make sure that woman didn't kill him in his sleep! I don't associate with bad drunks, and the fact that this freak thinks she is going to get me to be her friend while she is a freakin' psycho is just hilarious!

Ladies, it really isn't attractive when you are drunk beyond functioning and violent. It just puts you in a category of women that end up getting into bar brawls.

Add some dancin' girls and you have a redneck party! 

Sex, Drugs, and Parenting! WTF!

Soap Box to MORON parents who didn't think their little angel would get knocked up, drugged up, and every other shade of fucked up!

I have two teenage daughters! They are beautiful, intelligent, and the reason I function (until which time as they leave home and I can do for me again)

See I am so screwed! 

However I am also well aware that the world is not the same as when I was a kid, much unlike my mother who always said, "I know what your going through I have been there". Well I was in high school, and human nature is a pretty standard thing. However the rules are totally different now! Social media is rampant, and let's be honest the things we did as kids we are all glad didn't get posted on You Tube!

So I try to be a realistic as possible with my kids. Unlike so many other parents that either one think their baby would never do that or two just refuse to even discuss it all together.

1. Tell your kids the truth about sex from the moment they start asking the questions. Where do babies come from? How are babies made? Why do you bleed? What is a "hard on"? Whatever the question tell them the truth no matter how embarrassed you are. This will help them realize that they can talk to their parents about anything and everything. Now I also told my girls that they could ask me anything and I would answer, but that it made other people uncomfortable, so not to talk about it at school. Once they got older they realized when was okay and when it wasn't.





2. Talk about drugs. Tell them your own experiences both good and bad. Did you do drugs, which ones, what do they do to you. How they can damage your lives. 





3. Use their peers and others they meet as examples of what to do and NOT to do! The world is a vast array of morons and successes, and they need to be used as the poster children for their deeds and misdeeds. 


4. Be a parent, not a friend. Sometimes if the pit of your stomach says no, then tell them NO. They will survive, and in my experience usually my gut is right, and they agree with me later. 

We have dealt with some really unfortunate things, but my girls have always fared well. In most cases better than their peers. Have they made mistakes, of course. Have I gotten it wrong on occasion, well DUH I am human! Do I tell them I did it wrong, sure as shit! They have to know we make mistakes, even as adults. They have to know mistakes are okay, but you have to take your consequences.

Okay I think that is the advise of the day, I am curious what do non insane parents tell their kids?

FYI: This was instigated by the fact that my kids are asked every imaginable question by their friends about sex and drugs because (according to the kids) their parents won't talk about these things. Do you seriously want your kids to learn about this from other kids? Or maybe you prefer the internet, television, and other media outlets? Come on grown ups!? Did your brain stop working when you had kids?

Choose your Clothes WISELY!

So I wanted to give you kind people a little more fashion advise. I know sometimes you go into your closet in the morning and you stand there for ten minutes trying to figure out what in the world to wear. If you are getting ready for some event, that time frame gets a lot longer.

I will own this one day! I swear it! 

I am going to also reestablish some known rules that seem to have been forgotten!

First: When going to a business meeting

All of these items are essentials! 

NO! Regardless of what men say!

Second: When attending a Wedding

See nice reasonable colors! 

The Bride wears white! NOT YOU! 

Third: When attending a Funeral

Wear black people! You are in mourning! 

Unless you are the dumb ass mistress!

Fourth: When attending a formal event

Simple Elegant and Classy! 

You pay by the hour for this girl!

There are a million things that people think is acceptable, but I have to say this.... Just because some freak in New York or Los Angeles says it is a great idea doesn't mean it is.

They thought these were good ideas too. 

The goal is to flatter your form, not look like a bolt of fabric and feather puked on you. 

Women are not COMPLICATED!

Today I have a guest post, but the writer chooses to remain anonymous. 
Thanks Unknown Writer for your highly relevant insights! 

So I have been trying for a long time to figure out why men think women are complicated.

Free on the web as far as I know.

It finally occurred to me......

We don't tell men things we don't want them to know. 

Very Adam West TV's Batman don't you think? 

So we are worried about finances, we just work extra hours. We are not avoiding you we are taking care of business with grace, and not whining about things.

We are concerned about our children. If we are married we MIGHT discuss this with you. If we are not married we likely won't, because it is none of your business. They are our children, not yours. So there!

We have a medical problem. Again married, might, not married, not likely! We are big girls and we don't need you getting all in our business if we don't want you to be there.

If a woman says don't get me anything for anniversary, birthday, valentine's day, whatever. That is what we mean, and ladies if you don't mean what you say then you deserve to get nothing! However if we tell you exactly what we want, please do not be so stupid as to hand us the money to go buy it ourselves. If we want you to go get it, wrap it, and give it to us that is what we want. Not doing that will not make us warm and fuzzy.

I have been really annoyed lately that a certain man in my life has been trying to tell me what I am thinking. Here is the reality....

I am thinking about how you talk as much as a teenage girl about things no one cares about, but I listen because I know you want me to be interested. I love you, but seriously you are trying to apply rules you learned from mentally and emotionally broken strippers to a highly educated and intelligent woman. I know you think you are smarter than everyone else, and I will admit that for the most part you are. However, your intelligence is clouded daily by your ego.

UPDATED: Kindle Fire Giveaway!

So I have entered a contest to win a Kindle Fire. Yeah I know contests are like the lottery, but since I won a different contest for a free photo workshop I though why the hell not!

They have four kindle fires to give away, and I only want one of them.

There are some rules.

I have to blog about it, okay that is what this is.

I have to promote the various sponsors and the giveaway on my Facebook page, okay that will happen there.

Sponsors:  Freebie Shark, American Family, Coupon Pro, and Mark Your Savings with E

Giveaway Coordinator: Acadiana's Thrifty Mom

Plus Rafflecopter is helping out too!

So I know everyone loves free stuff, I am no different, and if you take a look at these sponsors, you might find cool stuff you need/want/would kill for too!


UPDATE: I think this contest may be the cuplrit for an additional 1,300+ likes to my facebook page yesterday alone! Honestly I hope they looked at the page and didn't just hit the Like button from some long list of Facebook pages. The goal here is to get people interested in my work, not just get the numbers rolling! But I will take what I can get!

Then she was a Ethiopian Anorexic Nicaraguan Orphan?!

So one day I just needed to take a mental health day. I had a lot going on and it was a necessity to me not committing homicide, suicide, genocide, or some other "cide" that might land me in jail.

I spend the morning straightening the house and doing laundry. I eat lunch with some friends and a pageant queen. I go see my buddy at the sex toy store. Then I pick up the short people from their educational institutions and we do a little shopping.

Then to the grocery store, which in my town is Wal-Mart because we are so close to the freaking world headquarters no decent grocery store bothers to open a store here. The short people are hungry and we walk into McDonalds, you know the one at the front of the super center.

I see the resemblance to
Ethiopian Anorexic
Nicaraguan Orphans
Don't You?

Cashier: Can I take your order?

Us: prattling away with some random order and laughing through the whole thing

Cashier: Are these your daughters?

Princess Talks-A-Lot: No, we are not her daughters we are the Nicaraguan orphans she adopted off the television for 15 cents a day.

*but the girl at school called her an Ethiopian anorexic*

Me: speechless and dumbfounded 

*seriously people she didn't pause at all just said it like it was the total truth*

Everyone in Earshot: Hysterical Laughter

As I have stated before Princess Talks-A-Lot has something wrong in her brain that results in logic  like this and this.

This child is going to be the death of me. Will you people send liquor PLEASE!

Updated: I declare this to be Dysfunctional Week!

This week has been so off the tracks and screwed up for myself and SO many others that I have declared this....

Dysfunctional Week!

This is the flag for Dysfunctional Week! 

Here are all the things that officially fit into this week.

1. Your In-laws accuse your spouse of "killing their mother" because you and your spouse do not want to attend Easter church services. First Amendment Freedom of Religion.
2. Bosses that tell you that it doesn't matter if you have the tools that help you perform your job duties faster, because you are on salary. Okay it's your money your wasting, don't bitch when it takes a long time to complete simple tasks!
3. For Jewels: Men that send dick pics/videos while in the company of multiple small children. Good job!
4. Children that think it acceptable to vandalize school property. Delinquent! 
5. Wine glasses jump from your hands full of your favorite spirit because why wouldn't you waste alcohol and break china when your week is going so well. 
6. Your husband reveals that the place you have been talking about looking for a job for 6 months isn't acceptable in his opinion as a place to live, this couldn't be said earlier?
7. Strangers in a restaurant want to buy you and your underage daughters tequila shots. They don't look that old seriously!
8. A family member tells you that the fighting that has been occurring over text and email isn't actually fighting it is high emotions and love. Oh glad you clarified just in the future when you write psychotic threatening emails I know it is emotions and love not fighting.
9. You are informed that the other portion of the family income is going to go away for a year while the maker of said income "gets better". From what working one week a month? 
10. Your family knows you have a cyst in your abdomen, and that you are home to recover from a different infection before they do surgery, but refuse to help make dinner or with household chores. Yep all better with a grapefruit on my ovary!
11. You discover that the contractor in the office hasn't told the contractor in the field that 3 weeks ago certain work was to be done and now your work is held up over it. Thanks Einstein for making my life harder, you won't be blaming me for the delay in schedule. 
12. Playing practical jokes on your girlfriend that last for DAYS! Grown up fellas this is a great way to no longer have a girlfriend! She will find a man with more money and a bigger dick! 
13. Man friends that write passive aggressive text messages ie:.....

• Him: How r u?
• Him: (15 min later) When I text you you should text back
• Me: I am eating dinner with So and So, I am fine and I didn't want to be rude to my guests
• Him: So you are mean to me, goodnight

These are all events that have happened to myself or my friends in the past week or so, and it isn't all of them! Because it has reached the point of hilarity we have officially declared this to be Dysfunctional Week. That way we are able to blame whatever is in the air causing all this hysteria on something tangible. 

What stupidity has been rocking your world lately?

Update: 

1. Your husband has been added to the weeding party of a friend who is marrying your ex-fiances sister. You realize that you have slept with 3 of the 5 members of the wedding party. Leaving out the groom and one other. Yep this officially is headed to the category of incest. 
2. You find a suicide note from your daughter. Wonder twin powers activate form of crisis prevention
3. Your doctor who sent you to another doctor to have surgery discovers that the other physician did not perform the surgery and that you are in worse shape than before. HOORAY FOR MEDICAL INEPTNESS!
4. Your boyfriend comes home and says. I am quitting my job and I refuse to work for one year. When you tell him that will result in our lifestyle dramatically reducing, he calls you a golddigger. Really?!? Seriously?!?! DUDE?!?!? I didn't quit my job dick head, I have three!