UPDATED: Why didn't you share the cocaine?

So today I get an invoice from a contractor for $5,000.

Under description it reads, "1/2 of the savings you received by piggy backing on my order for automatic window operators"

WTF!?!?!

Here is the scenario, try to keep up it is a little long.

1. Architect says buy these fancy electric motors from Italy
2. We price project using fancy motors
3. Architect splits project into two parts
4. We price both projects using fancy motors
5. We are awarded project one, and Other Guys are awarded project two
6. We submit first with fancy electric motors
7. They submit later with other motors
8. Architect and Contractor say, NO Other Guys, you have to use the fancy Italian motors
9. Other Guys loose money because they didn't include the cost for the REALLY expensive fancy motors
10. So now Other Guys are loosing money
11. Because the project got split apart neither one of us was ordering the minimum order of fancy electric motors
12. Contractor tells us BUY YOUR MOTORS
13. Supplier says we can't place the order until we have the minimum
14. I tell contractor Make your guy place his order
15. Other Guy places order
16. People in Italy make the motors and send them over to us and the Other Guys
17. Other Guy sends me a freaking bill saying that I piggy backed on HIM?!?!?
18. I call the supplier and ask what was the minimum again, and explain the scenario and they laugh too. 
19. The supplier and I have a brief discussion about the mega millions being $540 million and how if we win we will buy lots of cocaine, then we realize the Other Guys already bought all the cocaine because that is the only explanation that makes any sense. 
20. I call Other Guy and ask....
21. "Did you take a lot of cocaine before sending over this April Fool's Day joke early?"
22. He says, "That wasn't nice"
23. We go back and forth and he says that he was told that I was saved $10,000 for piggy backing on his order
24. I tell him neither one of us have the minimum we had to place together
25. He says I am lying, and I tell him he is a fool
26. I thank him for the April Fool's Day joke and wish him a happy weekend! 

Using the Crack you Whip art shop!

I plan on having a wonderful weekend laughing at his overwhelming drug use, knowing his poor family will suffer due to his inability to be moderate his habit. 

UPDATED: So the Other Guys called the Fancy Electric Motor People and whined about what a horrible person I was. The fancy electric motor guy said, that his order was placed after mine and that neither order could have been placed without the other. The Other Guys haven't called, I am so tempted to call them, but I will be the better person since I didn't win the $540 million and so there isn't cocaine in my future......today.

Does this count as a Boob REDUCTION?!

So most of you know by now that I work with pageants a lot! I alter dresses, design dresses, make jewelry, help with preparation and wardrobe, and mainly work backstage at as many pageants as I am needed because HOLY COW those girls are awesome!

This past weekend was Miss Ozark Highlands. I have been working backstage at Miss Arkansas with the executive director of this pageant, Carol Martin, for about 3 years. We put microphones on the girls and tap mics and all the other things that need to happen.

She didn't need me to work backstage so I just went to watch and cheer on one of my girls Miss Sarah! I am sitting in the audience, and one of my now retired girls (Savannah Knight) comes out to get me. A zipper has broken and we must repair! No way to fix it, so into the dress you are sewn my dear!

Crisis averted pageant proceeded. I would like to extend my congratulations to Abby Lindsey for her new crown. I will see you at Miss Arkansas my dear. To my lovely acquired child Sarah, who was the first runner up, I love you baby girl. You are an amazing woman, and please don't beat yourself up about this.

Following the pageant I was talking to the current Miss Arkansas Kristen Glover, and we look down to see the aftermath of a pageant.

This is normal people!

So we laugh and comment about how it was a blog post, but her blog isn't all gutter like mine. She is a public figure and needs to remain as such. Of course me on the other hand I can be all gutter and evil!

A moment after taking this photo a lady walks around the corner and says, "Did anyone see any boobs"

SERIOUSLY!?!??! We are at a pageant there are BOOBS everywhere!

The lady continues with, "My daughter lost her boobs as she ran down the hall."

I am not making this shit up people!

The best or worst part, nothing in the conversation seemed odd at all to any of the people standing around.

I want to know how to loose my spare tire! Does it work the same? I can think of other things that could just fall off as I ran down a hall.

UPDATED: CANCER ........ YOU BITCH!!!!!

Okay, so I don't think I have talked about this particular subject at length before, but after this weekend it merits some attention.

When my mother, God rest her soul, was 28 years old a doctor looked at her and said you have Stage 4 breast cancer, and with a full one-sided radical mastectomy, radiation, and chemotherapy, you might have two years to live.

I was four, and the ensuing fear I can now only imagine she felt was life changing.

My mother, aunt, 3 of my grandmothers sisters, my father's mother, and my father's aunt ALL had breast cancer. Amount my grandmother and her 8 siblings ALL of them have had some form of cancer. Therefore, my risk factors are freakishly high. I have already had two breast cancer scares in my life and get annual mammograms since I was just north of the tender age of 29. When I actually turn 40 (at some unknown time in the future) I will get to have them every six months! I have had genetic testing and was found NOT to have the markers for breast cancer, but the risk factors are still there.

Okay now for the rest of the story.... I walk in the race for the cure annually with a pack of my alcohol laden buddies, and this weekend one of those buddies informed me that she is scheduled to have surgery to remove........ (DAMNED DRUM ROLL)

Uterine, Ovarian, AND Cervical cancers. Yes that word is AND!

Teal Ribbons are the symbols for uterine,
ovarian, and cervical cancer awareness. 

I am freaking out! She and I knew that this day would come for one or both of us which is why we are so adamant about being diligent and attentive to the care of our bodies, but my friend is sick, and for one of the few times in my life I feel helpless and inadequate.

I know logically that I can't officially do anything to change this. I know that the doctors have to do their job. I know I am emotional support. I know all of the real things that I can be.

HOWEVER, the knowledge of the situation has me reeling. I am terrified if and when my day comes. How I will take this news. I like to think that I have spent years mentally trying to prepare in the event that it does happen, but at the same time having the news this close to me is making me realize there is NO FREAKING WAY you can truly be ready for some stranger to look at you and say, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but YOU'RE gonna die" Thank you William Shanter and Ben Folds for that song!

I haven't come to terms yet, I have marked my calendar for the day of the surgery, I will have my pack of pink with me and we will be there for my long time friend, but today I am gonna cry.

UPDATE: My friend is having her surgery today, and we are babysitting her granddaughter since her son has been shipped off to Colorado by the military, and couldn't come. I will be seeing her tonight after I get off work, and will take her food since she hasn't eaten in preparation for surgery.

I am a soldier in this today! I dealt with my pain and sadness and now for the battle armor! CANCER YOU CAN'T HAVE MY FRIEND!

Shoes are not just Footwear!

Hi, My name is Sweety Darlin', and I am a shoeholic. 

Not Rated! How could you rate them!
I have them in white with a pink stripe too! 

I respect that there is a vast number of women that buy shoes to wear because they are merely footwear and serve a purpose. To some degree this is true, however the reality is that shoes are the most important accessory to any outfit.

Jessica Simpson, short girls need heels! I agree! 

You put on your undergarments, make sure you followed the rules, then you put on your clothes, then your SHOES! Now I have somewhere between 50 to 75 pairs of shoes. I refuse to actually count because then I would have to admit the actual number, and as long as I have closet space for the shoes, then fuck off! These shoes fall into certain categories and you need to understand the importance of the shoegory. That is the technical term, stop arguing with me!

Bordello Shoes, Princess Talks-A-Lot gets called Gaga in these

The Date Shoe: This shoe is stunning and yummy and only suitable for walking from the car to the restaurant because at 4+ inches in height you might fall over. In some cases that brief walk is painful beyond understanding, but everyone will drool over the shear glory of this shoe! I have a pair of black sandals, well actually about 5 pairs because they are basic shoes you need more than one style. Anyway, black sandals with chain male on the top of the foot, but the little strap that goes across my toes tries to surgically remove my pinky toe. These hurt me, but they have CHAIN MALE! Seriously people they are not leaving my closet!

They are made by Bordello too! YUM! 

The Office Shoe: This shoe is about a 3-1/2" heal with some style and color so that people realize you might have a personality outside of the boring office. They are so comfy that you can stand at the water cooler for hours and gossip about that guy in the last office that you think he was jacking off under his desk when the slutty secretary didn't cross her legs. Then still go out to drinks with your friends after work, and might even get picked up in the bar because that shoe makes your but look HOT! psssst (sizzle sound)

Naughty Monkey Side Swiped!
Have them in Green too! 

The Tennis Shoe: No one cares, I only own a pair to wear in the Race for the Cure. These are not fashion statements unless you are an NBA player, but seriously ladies these are to be hidden in your closet. I don't care how cute you think those tennis shoes are they are utilitarian and no one cares. Now there are are high heeled tennis shoes and those don't have to be hidden they should be worn with zest and spice!

Mine are actually kelly green and haven't been worn YET!

The Work Boot: If you are a girl in a man's world you sometimes have to wear a work boot. Now my personal plan is to hide them under my desk an only put them on when required. I don't want the heels in the closet to feel unloved because my feet periodically have to be assaulted by ugly shoes. These NEVER get hidden in my closet because they never reach my closet. My shoes are too special to even think I am having some sort of shoefair with a work boot.

Naughty Monkey helps kick terrorist butt in these! 

The I-don't-know-why-but-I-need-you-shoe: Shoeholics know this shoe, they buy these shoes because we compulsively must purchase them because we know someday we will own an outfit that requires that shoe. We have no reason or rationale and we do not expect to have to explain ourselves, and the answer to "Why?" is "BECAUSE I NEED THEM!"

Iron Fist Zombie Stompers!
I can will kill a zombie with these! 

This has been a brief explanation of shoegories, and I hope that it has been helpful. To the boys, just deal with it, we don't bitch about your tools, cars, sports, or whatever so shut the hell up about our shoes! I need them! They complete me! AAARRRGGGGGHHHHH!

Sometimes you need a simple shoe too

No shoes were harmed in the writing of this post. 

All shoes pictured live in my closet, and have been on my feet, or the feet of my off spring. 

UPDATED: You can call me.....All Mighty Mommykins!

The following occurred about ten minutes ago on this Wednesday afternoon......

*phone rings*

PT-A-L: Mommykins remember that song *sing high pitched lyrics in the phone which are unintelligable* that the girl sang at Miss Arkansas while holding a fan?

Me: No, but I can't really tell what you just sang since cellular phones don't really pick up high pitches well.

PT-A-L: Sorry mommy. Well we have it stuck in our heads and we want to know the song and you always know songs, because your amazing. Oh and can you fix the devil dress for Sarah before Saturday so that she can wear it in her talent? It looks amazing she put it on and sang the song and it really works. There is a tear at the bottom of the zipper but she is afraid after you fix it she won't fit into the dress, but she has to loose water weight and she will loose that by Saturday so she will fit into after the repair and after the weight loss.

*see Princess Talks-A-Lot come by her name honestly*

Me: Bring the dress home and I will get it done and it will fit regardless and text me the lyrics and tell Sarah to pee.

*phone call ends* (well we said bye)

Text: "Love is where you find it, don't be blinded blah blah blah (that's all we know)"

Three internet clicks later, I find the following two links for her to search for....

Text: Thank you All Mighty Mommykinz!

Seriously?!? I think I should have a super power with a name like that! Where is my damn cape? I guess I can make that after I fix the devil dress. 

UPDATE: This morning a co-worker greeted me by saying "Good Morning The Divine Ms. D" I think that qualifies as a madame name. So I am a super hero madame now? 

Best St. Patty Day EVER!

So to all my followers, both secret and obvious, I went out of town for a much needed LONG weekend.

I live somewhere in the state of Arkansas, and decided to go somewhere else in the state of Arkansas that we have wanted to go. Mountain View to be exact. First let me say to The Park Wife, I am sorry I didn't send a note and try to have sweet tea on the porch, but we were having such an amazing time I was relishing my family.

1906 People! HOLY COW!!!!!

First - LODGING..... We surfed the internet, talked to people in the area, sent emails to various places, and finally picked The Ozark Country Inn!

Have a sit down on the porch! 

Now let me first say the the proprietors of this establishment, Debbie, Leonard, and Destiny are the sweetest nicest people I have met in a really long time! They make an amazing breakfast, and one morning, when we were the only guests we demanded that they eat with us. They are super sweet, and Destiny is the long haired dauschhund that will gladly let you rub her belly. Now Debbie & leonard don't like her upstairs to keep pet hair out of the guest rooms, but she came and got lovins once. Sorry guys she was too sweet to send downstairs. I have already told all my friends STAY HERE!!! I will say there were only two things we saw as draw back, and I say this only so you are aware, not as any way to stop you from going. The bed in room four is very firm, more than Steve and I like, but the girls room (room 6) were awesome. The showers are a little small, but the house is over 100 years old so deal. However it means no make out shower sessions, sorry lovers.

Second - STUFF TO DO!!!!

HOLY COW BATMAN! So much stuff to do! We only chose two things as our main attractions, but we are already planning another adventure! Our selections were Blanchard Springs Caverns and Loco Ropes.

That tall thing is where ALL the tower adventures start! 

First Loco Ropes! This is like monkey adventures for humans! There are a couple of different ways to play in the trees. First they have Tower Adventures, and PIMA and I did all three of these! There is a zip line that is maybe 100' long and you go out and back about 30' above the ground. There is a climbing wall with easy and hard sections, but to the horribly out of shape the easy was hard and I gave up within 3 feet of the bell! The third tower adventure is the 30' free fall. Let's say that the hardest part is convincing your brain it is acceptable to jump to your death, otherwise YEE HAW!!!!

This is part of the third part of the End of the Line.

Okay so the other adventures are called the Tree Top Adventures. This is the real monkey experience. There are three sections to this adventure, and the total experience is called the End of the Line! Princess Talks-A-Lot did that one! It takes about 2-3 hours to complete. There are rope bridges, zip lines, walking ladders, climbing posts, and a ton of other general monkey obstacle course crap. After wards she was ready for a nap and the next day was sore in places she didn't think she would be, but wouldn't have changed it for anything!

This column was the backdrop for the Celtic Concert! 

Second, Blanchard Springs Caverns! This is a real cave boys and girls that is hundreds of feet below the surface of the ground, and is all fancy nature architecture and stuff! There are various trails to be guided through and while we only did the generic trail, we are planning to go on the Wild Cave Tour, which is a 5 hour long shimmy spelunking adventure! How amazing would that be!!!

Nature did this all by itself SO COOL!

So after our cave tour we then go to sit through an hour and a half long Celtic concert with local musicians playing traditional instruments and that was even cooler with the backdrop in the picture above and the echos through the cave. It was too cool for words. They do this at Valentines, St. Patrick's, and in the Holidays. Of course each event is themed music to that event.

I bet it works too! 

We also walked around downtown through all the little shops. Ate awesome hippy pizza at Tommy's BBQ & Pizza, which is amazing pizza.

We also hung out at the picking porch. This is a little corner in the town square, within 3 blocks of the Ozark Country Inn, that nightly they play music, and you can keep warm at the Missile Defense and Possum Smoker stations. I loved this sign! That is the best ever!

There were also horseback riding tours in the mountains, I think that will be one day on the next trip when we do the Wild Cave Tour!

Oh heads up, bring cash, few places take the plastic form of payment, but there are banks in town to get more if you don't bring enough! After this weekend I feel like a real person again, I hope work doesn't wash it off of me!

Little Country Restaurants/Stores

First Happy St. Patricks Day! It is the first drinking holiday of the year and I have gone out of town for my green beer! I have a designated driver, so don't fret!

So on Thursday I went on an excursion into the indian territories of Oklahoma. Living in a highly historical town I am constantly reminded that Oklahoma is the Indian Territories. However on my way home I stopped in Prairie Grove Arkansas. This town has ONE stoplight.

Mel's Diner as seen from Google Street View

I decided that I would have lunch at Mel's Diner. I hoped the waitress would be named Flo and smack her gum and tell me to kiss her grits, but sadly no luck today. I walk into this quaint little restaurant with low ceilings white black and pink walls. I am greeted by a man that is obviously the chef (line cook) and the waitress even though she could have been a patron in her gray bedazzled tank top with visible bra straps and skinny jeans.

I promptly so to the ladies room as I had been traveling and drank coffee prior to my trip, I know MOM pee before you leave and no drinks shut up already! So I come back in to the dining room and sit down. There were two gentlemen at another table chatting up the waitress as if they wanted to work their way into getting a date, and generally being kindly country men. One, after answering a phone call, relays a story that he had hired a "new girl" yesterday and that he didn't know if she could do the job. It then occurs to him that his chauvinism is showing. He tries to back peddle politely, which is very amusing, and we have a brief conversation until his food arrives.

When my food is delivered I ask the waitress if there are any hotels or bed & breakfasts in town. Another patron, who entered while I was talking to the first guy, feels it is his duty to relay that there is a single hotel in the town across from the park. He said there were no bed and breakfasts in town and that if I go to the nearest large city, which is really only about 20 minutes away, but i wanna stay in the small town.

Anyway, I go to eating my dinner, and get to eavesdrop on the conversation between country bumpkin and line cook chef. Bumpkin talks about how he knew line cooks daddy and how he now owns the largest roofing company in the state. Now being in construction I know this is untrue, I know that guy personally and have gone to a retreat at his "Bear Cabin". Then bumpkin proceeds to talk about how much money he makes and has.

This is where people who have always had money and people who have managed to make money are separate in the social rolls. If you always had money you don't talk about it! If you have never had money you brag once you get it, and it really makes you look like a moron.

So to people that have come from meager means and pulled yourself up by the boot straps to become more affluent here is a word of advise. DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR MONEY! That just makes you look stupid and the really wealthy people won't let you play in their sandboxes.

So finally it is time to depart. As I am leaving the bumpkin and his wife say farewell to me and state, "Welcome to Northwest Arkansas". I stated that I lived in Fort Smith, and that I was just visiting, but knew I had to spend a weekend in this town in the winter and wanted to find a place to stay.

Not the actual guy, but close!

Then the next round of blabbering began. They told me how I should buy a certain house and start a B&B. They told me that 25 year old girls fawned after his money. Now he was missing at least three teeth in the front of his mouth, had pock marks on his face like caverns fit for spelunking, and was rotund enough to have to reach for the table. I was trying not to be ugly and just tell him AS IF PORKER! His wife said that is all girls are after now a days. REALLY?!?!? I know lots of women, in fact the majority of women I know are not out for money. She then reveals that where she is from that is how girls are and that men don't take care of their women. I asked where are you from....

MASS.

Mass? Are you a catholic? Do you live in the cathedral? I knew she meant Massachusetts, and I didn't verbalize my funny retorts, but seriously lady use the kings english! I said well there is what is wrong, your a yankee. Her husband says, no she is a damn yankee.

My retort this time, verbalized, "Yes sir, but as I am a lady of the south I try not to curse women I don't know." She said "aren't you precious". I was then asked if I knew what that meant...

"Well bless you heart, of course I do."

Now I should also reveal that there was a major civil war battle fought in this very city almost 150 years ago, so yankee is an acceptable moniker.

I foretell this series of events because it was amusing to me to get this slice of country living. I forget in my city dwelling that this is normal for more of America than we would like to admit. It is really important that we try to step outside of our station in life to remind ourselves that life is more than who we are as people.

Don't Forget the Blog Roll Mixer Too!

Stoopid Politicians! A rant.

I have been spending a lot of time watching all of the crap on the news about this presidential primary. I have different opinions on each of the candidates, and at this point, honestly, I have no freaking clue!

Santorum, Paul, Romney, Gingrich WTF?!?!

I remember when I was young things seemed to be more cut and dry. We have a direction as a country and generally agreed on a plan. There was always bickering about how much and to what group to give money. Let's be honest here people. If you get any kind of federal or state money, and a lot of people do, you don't want that to go away. However if you don't get help, and you pay your taxes and you see people abusing the system, you want that shut down.

First Mr. Tax Payer, how do you propose we address abuse? We don't pay government workers a ton, they are not always the brightest bulb in the box, and what exactly do you propose they do when they have hundreds of clients per worker?

I have a rental property that renters get housing assistance. That means I receive state funds. Guess what?!? Since August of 2011 I have had FOUR (4) different case workers. I have been told that each case worker deals with about 100 housing recipients a month. ONE PERSON to deal with 100 whiny people that may or may not understand the legal ramifications of the assistance they receive. Yeah people that makes perfect sense!

When I was in college I got the Pell Grant, federal aid! It helped me get my degree, but that is money used by thousands of students. You do have to keep a certain grade point average, but that isn't always the best grades in the box either, just average. Do you want an "average employee"?







When my kids were little and I was in school and working and single, we used ARKids. A state funded program that provides medical services to children. Now once I was able to get a job, we got off the program, but it was state help. Do we want our kids to suffer medically?

Now I know a family that get as much as $800 per month in food stamps, and because their house is run by a slum lord they can't get housing assistance, but in turn don't pay their rent. She reports all her income, and how much she is supposed to pay in rent and they calculate the money for food stamps. Then she doesn't pay the rent. That's abuse!

In history class we teach our kids that the civil war was about slavery. Well originally the southern states didn't like the representation they had in government and succeeded. We were winning the war until the emancipation proclamation, and all of a sudden the war was about slavery. History is written by the winner, so that is how we teach it.

Then the great depression and states didn't have money either, so we all plead to the federal government for help, and we get a ton of programs to tax and spend. Now those programs are bloated and most don't work worth a crap!

We have problems here people, we need solutions! These guys talk a great line to get into office, but they all do the same thing once there.... status quo! Plus if you pay attention politician number one enacts bills, those that 3 years to become effective, so politician number two is in office reaping the rewards! Why did Clinton have so much money? Because Reagan was a bad ass cowboy! Why did Bush melt down the housing market? Because Clinton wanted everyone to have a home and didn't really teach people about money matters and the repercussions. Bush wasn't an Einstein, and some of his stuff has fallen apart under Obama, but look at what Obama has done? Healthcare! Seriously people even the politicians that voted for it are now saying it will bankrupt us, and whose fault with that be, the next guys!

I don't have answers, but I am sure as hell not in the mood for continuing the status quo! Okay I think I am done for now! But as a woman I reserve the right to change my mind at anytime and say more later! 

Thanks Walter and Jeff Dunham for the perfect clip for my rants!

Take a look at the Blog Roll Mixer Too!

The Blogroll Mixer

This Started over at simplykellyblog.com and was brought to my attention by Desperately Seeking Gina

Here are the rules:

1. Check out some of the blogs in my blogroll.
2. Share your full blogroll list with your readers in a post.  
3. In the spirit of finding new blogs, encourage readers not on your list to share their blog link.  
4. Please be so kind to add my mixer image somewhere in your post and link back to my blog. 
5. And, totally optional, if you feel inclined to come back and tell me you participated, I'll do a post at the end of the week of everyone who participated.

Okay ladies and gents! Here is my contribution to the mix.......

Absolutely Narcissism

According to Jewels

AJ Art Studio

AREtsy

Arkansas Women Bloggers

Behind the Painted Shoe

Best Loved Child

Beth S Macre Studio

Bijou Booth

Bitchin' Wives Club

BlogHer

Curious Crow

Crack You Whip

Deanna's Creations

Ekio Art

Filing Jointly

Graceful Little Honey Bee

Gypsy Ridgley

Jo's Bunkum

Judy Snow Mosaics

Luck Pups Pet Supplies

Lybly

Magpie Approved

Mental Poo

My Honest Answer

My Own Private Idaho

Naked Girl in a Dress

Oakleaf Hollow Primitives

Oh My Tookies

Papercut Kitchen

PieceMaker Mosaics

Pish Posh

Sarah Davis

Scary Mommy

Scratching Through

Second Chances by Kristen Glover

Sugar Britches

TDOG Art

The Amigurumi Girl

The Bloggess

The Blog Farm

The Dalek Project

The Park Wife

The Simple Dude

The Tiny Twig

The Vintage Butterfly

Torn Angel

Tree Frog Creations

Vivi-Section

This is all I can think of for now. However, as a woman, I reserve the right to change, amend, and add to this list without notice or provocation. 

Monday Blahgs - According to Jewels

So Jewels over at According to Jewels is a funny chick!

I found her through a different blogger, and almost always laugh out loud at every post she has. She is honest about the strange things that happen on a daily basis in the real world.

We talk to our friends about horrible awful things. We laugh at the stupidest things. We laugh at the stupid things we get ourselves into.

She talks about all of that!

I have found other blogs through her and honestly think that if we sat down to have drinks I would have to wear depends as it is entirely likely I would wet myself laughing.

I know most people hate click through junk, but this is worth it, so so over and see if you like her as much as me!

According to Jewels

Spendy Sunday - Jimmy Choo

Dear Mr. Choo,

I am not familiar with your personal life in any way, shape, or form. However without sounding too John Hinkley Jr. I would like very much to be placed in the queue for your future mistress, maid, driver, foot massager, penis fluffer, whatever position opens up in your offices.

I am not a wealthy girl by any means whatsoever, but I have an addiction for which I have not been successful in finding a treatment program or facility.

I would like very much to own one pair of ever heel you make for the remainder of your designing career. I will throw myself upon the mercy of your benevolent soul for such an opportunity.

I am passionately in love with Dusky and would like very much to own him in a size 39 please. I have been having a torrid shoefair with the gentleman shown below, but may be leaving him for Lance. I don't want to come off like a shoewhore, but I am having such a hard time narrowing down the possibilities.

They were only $1,950 I cried as I left Nordstroms

I honestly believe that any woman who owns more than 365 pairs of shoes is just being greedy, but I only own between 60 and 75 pairs of 4" heels, so as you can see I am a pauper in comparison to the great Imelda Marcos. She has not heeded my ceaseless pleadings for compassion on my poverty, and I am now seeking assistance from as many other shoe overlords as possible.

Please sir, just 50 pairs more, it isn't much and I swear that everyone will know that you are a kind and generous shoe overlord.

With the greatest respect and shameless groveling.

The Three Musketeers

Mainly Sweety Darlin' size 39
But also Princess Talks-A-Lot size 37-1/2
and PIMA size 38 too!

Weekend Post - The Doors?

The Simple Dude has a theory on half assed weekend posts. This is mine.

So when I go out into the world on an adventure I love to see strange and unusual things. A while back I was going out shopping, which is a serious adventure, and while leaving the neighborhood I saw this.....

Sign Reads: FREE DOOR

This visual resulted in a plethora of miscellaneous questions...

Did Sully and Mike try to hide Boo's door?

Will this take us to Narina?

Is this headed to the door shredder?

Signs signs everywhere are signs blocking up the scenery breaking my mind.

If you Keep Right you must drive through the door and I don't think my car will fit.

Could this be the new version of Bill and Ted's Adventure?

When we returned home later in the day, the door was gone, so what does that mean?

So there you have it.... thoughts?

Fashion Friday - Dress for the Occasion!

Today for fashion Friday we are going to discuss the difference in how to dress for different events, occasions, etc. So many people have not been taught, learned, or even paid attention to what you should wear.

When you watch the red carpet events in Hollywood, assuming you do watch them. You don't see Nicole Kidman show up to the Oscars in jeans and a t-shirt with a ball cap on. These rules apply to the rest of us as well!

Fabio-Wanna-Be you can
come takeit off at my place!

1. Men's Formal Attire - This means you wear a tuxedo! Not a regular suit. There are a lot of differences guys, but it is subtle. For the purposes of this discussion we will use this picture, found on the internet and as far as I know it is fair game to use.


2. Women's Formal Attire - Ladies this means the dress touches the floor in the front as well as the back. One of my favorite formal designers is Tony Bowls because he is from Arkansas and he makes a great dress. There are too many others I love to list them all, but remember FLOOR LENGTH. Most designers call this evening wear. 


3. Men Semi-Formal - Here is where you can wear your suit. 





Don't have a LBD? BUY ONE!

4. Women's Semi-Formal - Okay here you have a bajillion (yes it is a word even though spell check doesn't recognize it) options, short, long, short in the front long in the back, removable train, sparkly, shiny, glittery. This is where party dresses, prom dresses, and most thing people think are formal dresses actually belong. 


5. Dressy - This means boys can wear slacks and a sports jacket no tie is expected. Girls this means a semi-formal style dress with NO sparkles. Some prom dresses fall into this category. This is screaming LITTLE BLACK DRESS!!!! 





Even in Paper
Dolls its bad

6. Business Attire - Men you need a crisp dress shirt and a pair of dress slacks. Women you want a skirt and blouse, or nice suit type outfit. I HATE pant suits, they may be Hillary Clinton's go to item, but I think they are too manly, and women you have power in the workforce you should use all the tools of that power. I like to tell people, "You don't hammer a nail with a pipe wrench, girls don't wear pant suits"





Business Casual - This is wear men wear a shirt that is more casual and less crisp white shirt, they can do the plaid shirt and a more casual slack like dockers. Women, again with all the options and possibilities. You have dresses, skirts, prints, solids, this is where that awesome date dress that makes your waist look small and your chest look awesome can come out, or even the saturday lunch with the girlfriends dress too. 





Casual.... HOLY COW the sky is the limit, because you are going to the lake or shopping or to the dog park, and as long as your clothes fit, aren't torn, and clean you are good to go. Otherwise go change. 

People the worst thing you can ever do with your clothes is to have it too tight, too short, too big, torn, dirty, or just plain ugly. When you go out in the world and you see that girl (or guy) that looks so bad you are pretty sure your retinas have been scorched just because you looked at them, that is what you want to avoid!

Be a friend, don't let your friends look bad. If they look horrid, tell them so, help them make it better. They are a reflection of you as well. People will see you with that hideous person and think, what kind of friend are you anyway you let her (or him) go in public like THAT?!?!?

Seriously? On Purpose? What does this say about him?!?!

Thrashing Thursday - Fuck the Milk!

So Princess Talks-A-Lot has started driving, I don't need to go into the inexplicable fear this strikes in my soul!

We haven't gotten her a car of her own yet, but we do let her take mine when she has errands, or for whatever reason there are 2 cars available.

Last week PIMA went to a school dance, and I was home cooking and didn't want to drive to pick her up, YEAH go get your sister!

So she gets home and foretells the story of the mom in the escalade that cut her off, almost hit her, and then just drove on without any merit to her behavior. Now It doesn't really matter the series of events that led up to the behavior by this moronic driver.

Ford Excursion - Largest SUV in Production - You don't need this! 

What does matter is that You SUV driving people, you know who the hell you are, you need to pay fucking attention!

I get that people are allowed to drive whatever they like, but people in SUV's seem to have God Complexes, Napoleon Complexes, Little Man Syndrome, Whiny Bitch Disease, HELL I don't know. I have been in the car with these people and they seem to purposefully intimidate other driver and especially small cars because they are bigger and feel like they are superior.

Your gas guzzling behemoth is an eyesore! Not to mention I don't think you can see out of the stupid thing half the time because of all the television screen, and sports equipment, arm flailing munchkins, and groceries for an army. You don't need that much stuff or that many kids! Seriously Birth control already!

Pay attention, stay in your lane, learn where your tires and bumpers actually are on your car, realize that your automobile selection does not give you the authority to lord over the other cars.

I say this too because my baby princess is in one of those little cars, trying to do the right thing, probably gonna screw up because we all do, and I do not want her to be killed because you had to reach for your cell phone to send that text that you will get the freaking MILK!

Fuck the damn milk and Drive, because I am just crazy enough that I will cut a bitch for fuckin' with my babies. Momma bears got nothing on me!

Thank you and Good Night!

UPDATED: Blog Schedule It's About Freaking TIME!

I think I have finally come up with a schedule for the blog that I can live with.....

Creating a schedule means my brain has an evil plan and I love evil plans *rubbing hands together*.....

Monday Blahgs - Where I talk about or feature a blog that I like, follow, read, or want to laugh at

Tasty Tuesday - Where I can tell you what to eat that may or may not be good for you

Random Wednesday - Its random how random it will be

Thursday Thrashings - This is the rant day. If something has pissed me off it goes HERE

Fashion Friday - For anything fashion related because I love clothes and shoes and stuff

Saturday - Heck I don't know yet this may be a day of no posts at all. Even God took a day off, sue me!

Spending Sunday - For the expensive stuff I can't afford, but want terribly! You can buy it for me if you like.

Now a schedule does not mean that I will post every day, it just means that I have a plan.

An evil maniacal plan. MUAHAHAHAHA

UPDATE: So I wrote this schedule and I really like it, but I don't know that I will actually  follow it. I already got off track with the St. Patty Post. I just was so excited I forgot to follow my own plan! GAW My stoopid brain is failing me again. 

(and yes I know I misspelled it)

Its a Yellow Smart Car uh no Fart!

So this morning driving Princess Talks-A-Lot to school we are next to one of those little Smart cars. I was telling a story of finding this precious blog yesterday called Filing Jointly, and at a break in the story we hear the smart car accelerate.

You know the sound 5 year old boys make with their mouths to imitate a fart? IT SOUNDED LIKE THAT!!!

I am not one to promote or show any signs of amusement at fart jokes, but this was just a moment of shear amusement for some reason.

Then Princess Talks-A-Lot takes off......

"Look mom its a smart fart, and yellow smart fart. They are methane free."

The mood in the car just went downhill and turned from mother and daughter headed to an educational institution into two frat boys degrading the intelligence their parents gave them.

I try really hard to be lady like, or as much as is possible for me, and not become some redneck toothless hick. I understand that I am very blunt, but to be honest I try not to be vile. This whole discussion offends that part of me, but it was too funny in the moment not to share.

Yellow Smart Farts are Methane Free! BUAHAHAHAHA

Ladies Undergarments MATTER!

So this morning I was trying to think of what would be my started post for the week. I received email notification of one blog I read about the Users Guide to D*** Pics. I was curious and figured sure while I drink my coffee and the pundits have it out on Morning Joe I will read Jewels post.

HOLY SHATNER I about died laughing, and if I had a voice right now someone would have heard me (different story). So I have received pictures like this, but oddly enough the senders followed the rules, which was a relief that my choice in men has been rational.

However after reading this it occurred to me that women need a post like this too. It all began on Saturday afternoon.

Me: Do you own a skin tone no line thong?
Contestant: NO! Those things are uncomfortable!
Me: Don't care your getting one!
 * she begrudgingly agrees and gets the necessary undergarment

Not her actual photo sorry fellas! 

While getting into the first outfits for the fashion show she notices a panty line on another contestant with a suit on. She asks if she has a panty line. NOPE!

THEN she notices a different girl in a casual dress with a beige tool skirt and BLACK PANTIES! These girls are about to walk out onto a fashion stage with BRIGHT lights and her panties are visible under plain fluorescent lighting in a conference room. Now no one tells this young lady that her panties are showing because she is a real pill and we all want her to fail.

She says to me, "Thank you for making me buy panties I can't stand!"

So ladies here is the advise.

1. Get fitted for a bra! It may be strange to have a perfect stranger feel you up and measure your naked form, but you need to understand that those things have to fit properly and you will look better when they do. If you gain or loose more than 10 pounds get fitted again!

2. If you are wearing unlined dress slacks, wear a thong. Heck if you can get used to them, just wear them all the time it solves lots of problems with regards to wedgies, panty lines, visible undergarments and so on.

3. If you are wearing light colors make sure your undergarments match your SKIN TONE! A white shirt doesn't get a white bra it gets a nude bra so that it doesn't show through the blouse.

Example of what NOT to do! 

When you go clubbing all sorts of horrible things are done to draw attention to yourself, but when going to a job interview, a date, anything that you want people to take you seriously then don't draw the wrong attention to yourself.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the People of Wal-Mart! They didn't take this simple advice regarding proper undergarments (or anything for that matter) and have ended up on the best point and laugh site EVER!

UPDATED: Being Better Than Yourself!

So today I am feeling charitable and generally philanthropic. I wanted to bring attention to a few really awesome things that I think help people be better than they are. 

You know when something hits you in the face and you know that doing something, no matter how big or small, will make you a better person than maybe you are on a regular day? You see a homeless person scratching change together for a dollar burger at McDonalds, and you pay for a combo to be sent to their table. You see a mom in the store stressed because her child won't calm down and you have a moment that you can talk to the child and distract them long enough that they calm down and mom feels better. For no apparent reason you send flowers to your kids favorite teacher. 

We have all done something (hopefully) at some point in our lives that has nothing to do with anything other than being kind to others for no reason at all. 

There are two things this week that have been on my mind that fit into this category. 

Kristen Glover
So pretty and sweet too!

In order to explain the first there is a little I need to fill in first. I work with the Miss Arkansas program, which is part of the Miss America system. Miss America support the Children's Miracle Network. Every girl who competes must raise $100 for the charity for preliminary pageants, I think it is $400 for a state title pageant, and more for Miss America. At the same time the Miss America system hands out the MOST scholarships to women in the world. Now the current reigning Miss Arkansas is Kristen Glover! She is from a small town in Arkansas that  has a heavy farming community. She started a scholarship program for student at her hometown high school for students that are the first in their families to attend college. That is a HUGE THING!!! She thinks so strongly that college is important that she is willing to help perfect strangers go. To me that is something that can get a lot of sins forgiven in heaven, not that she has as many as me to wash away. 

Please don't get mad for swiping your photo!

The second program that is bigger in size, but to me just as important is The Traveling Red Dress program from The Bloggess. This is a program of tons of perfect strangers getting together to do something perfectly wonderful for women (and girls) that need a happy in their days. Jenny Lawson is this funny, strange, twisted woman that is perfectly normal like the rest of us. She may not like that I called her normal. I don't know her personally, but feel that through her posts and silliness I can completely relate to her as if we had been friends for decades. People donate red dresses to her and she sends them all over to women who need a happy. Photographers donate their time to have photo sessions, fancy wonderful photo session with the dress recipients so they have something to make them happy! Then these photos get loaded to Facebook and a ton of other places to celebrate the beauty of women! 

As a woman who has had her share of trials I think these are programs that are just amazing! I know my life hasn't been as hard as some, and it has been harder than others, but we are only given trials we can handle, no matter how difficult they seem to overcome at the time. 

Once I get through the insanity of the current pageant season I will be working to design a dress for the Traveling Red Dress program. I know three photographers off the top of my head that I can probably convince to donate their time, and I will donate this dress for this purpose! I have two girls to put through college myself, but maybe someday I can afford to host a scholarship for the Miss Arkansas system. Then I will get a few good points to balance out all the bad!

UPDATE: Today The Bloggess started following me on Twitter. I know this actually doesn't mean a lot in the grand sceem of things, but OMG TOTALLY AWESOME!

Also I forgot to add that there are other programs that rock too. Sarah's Book Drives I can't believe I left that one out! You can eat three of my Thin Mint Cookies for that one! 

UPDATED: Why do you come to work sick!?

So today I am NOT feeling well, and it occurs to me that my co-worker (who is now out sick with the flu) came to work ill on Monday and Tuesday. He has been out for the last two days! Thanks JERK for making me sick!

I had asked for this Friday off, but was told I couldn't have it off, and I won't go into that stupid chain of events. Now I am legitimately sick because my moron co-worker and I need to stay home, but if I call in sick then it looks all questionable.

So I am going to infect the rest of the staff! Patient Zero here!!!! well really patient one since  he is zero!

I have a sore throat and feel all achy, but I am not running a fever. I am drugging myself with various antihistamines, and all my nursing friends (don't yell at me) will probably tell me I am overdosing. I don't care! I feel like crap, and I have too much to do to get sick right now.

I have to finish the alterations on a beautiful Tony Bowls gown. I have to repair the beading on another gown. I have to help one pageant girl find two more outfits for her pageant on the 10th. I have to supervise the interview rehearsal and walking lessons. I have another girl that is practicing a whole new talent too. Oh I forgot still have to finish the hand stitching on the 80's dress collar.

WTF people! I am only one person, and my curmudgeon of an employer didn't let me take the ONE day off I wanted to take off so I could accomplish so many of these tasks. I seriously do not need to get into that rant on the interwebz.

So here I am sick, needing to get extra sleep so I can get better, and I my tiny amount of free time is being eaten up with preparations and not sleeping. FANTASTIC!

So today I am not writing much because I feel like a whiny baby poopey pants!

UPDATE: So today I find out that the co-workers wife called him in sick to the boss, telling said boss, "he is shivering too violently with his 103 temperature to call in for himself" Also that he has Type A Flu. Thanks Einstein for being patient zero! I am so glad I don't follow doctors orders and finish all my medicine because I had meds to take to fend off your contagion!