OMG Like EWWWW !!!! (says valley girl)

Since some of us really do remember the 80's, or at least some of it through the haze of hair spray and cheap drugs. There were some things that should have died in the 80's, most specifically some of the fashions.

So I was given this dress by the executive director of a local pageant and the specific request was...."PLEASE can you do anything with THIS?!?!?!"

The Beginning

Poodle Perm WOO HOO!

Oh the power of lame

Yes boys and girls that dress is a throw back to the luscious wonderful 80's and all their hair spray glory. There is sufficient collar space to hold up the appropriate poodle perm with 2 cans of Aquanet Extra Hold hair spray. The sleeves were perfect for keeping people at slightly more than arms length away.

This dress brought back so many awesome memories of watching my mother prepare for dates, getting ready for dances and events myself, and all the glory that was cocaine fueled 80's fun! That poodle perm looks like my yearbook pictures. *shiver*

So BUSY!! 

Bangus Erectus!

So they want me to take this dress and make it into something that works for a pageant girl in 2012? Are you kidding me? I don't do those drugs anymore! That thing is horrid!

I spent so much time drawing different ideas and keeping in mind that I really don't want to buy any fabric to add to this gown. I just want to use the dress to make a new dress. It was really long, so the skirt had a lot of yardage in it, so I just needed to come up with something.

One day I stop trying to figure something out and just start tearing the dress apart. Let me be honest here there is something so invigorating about tearing fabric along the seams. Very Hollywood Hogan type thing. Oh wait I should probably say Hulk Hogan since the dress is from the 80's.

So after dwelling with scraps of fabric and putting them on the dress form in a variety of ways it occurs to me. The collar is actually pretty amazing, and if it wasn't trying to be an elizabethan ruff it could be truly gorgeous. Plus it needs to be fitted, because we love fitted gowns, maybe some sort of kick ruffle at the bottom to go with the collar.

After about a week of really messing with this gown we finally come to the final results. Well not totally final I have to do some hand stitching to make that collar lay down and look a little less 80's.

Final Result

I have to say I am really happy with the result, and while this will not be a evening wear dress it would be great for a talent gown. You can get to be a little more costume-ish in a talent dress.

Now after this assault to the fabric I doubt this dress will be anything more in it's next life, well maybe cocktail dress, it could be chopped off. Oh well keep that in mind for the next time around.

Betty White Is The Coolest EVER!

So my closest friends know that Betty White is my HERO! I aspire to be a bad ass like her when I am old!

There are so many things that make Betty White the coolest person EVER! First she posed shamelessly nude when nude was NOT cool! In fact they had congressional beat downs about nude and risque photos long AFTER she did it! (we love you Betty Page) I already did that too, but here is why.

Now if you search the interwebz you find that she did these photos in the 1940's and that she regrets them, but probably more because it was not en-vogue at the time. I would venture to guess, and this it TOTALLY a guess, that now she would love to see herself when she was skinny bitch sexy vixen hot and less granny gonna grab your ass hot.

I aspire to grow up one day and become a cougar, and then age into the granny grab your ass phase. You know the one that goes to the bachelorette party with her grand daughter and ends up getting them kicked out of the male strip club because your not really supposed to grab the dancers? YEP THAT ONE That will be me!!! (reference The Proposal)

We even humiliated Princess Talks-A-Lot's newest beau by telling him the story of a former beau admitting (after they broke up) that he would "so do me" he went on to explain "the younger version is hot and I want to know what that will grow up to be like"

Therefore I think this officially gives me MILF status, securing my advance towards Betty White AWESOMENESS!!!

You know you need Future Betty White attire too!

The 10 (12) Things Lists

So I have been out on the intrawebz and reading a lot of Top 10 Things type lists. 10 Things I would rather do than clean my house has been the most common, but there are a ton of others. However I think I have a 12 Things List, and it is really more of a 12 Step List.

F*** YOU Pinterest for making us think this is normal!

Now for all the crafters out there, unless your name is Martha "freakin" Stewart and you have a 2,000 square foot crafting "area" with bucket loads of fancy storage your crafting area NEVER looks like this.

However if you are anything like me you know that you may have a problem, and you need to read the following 12 step program to help recover.

Step One

After spending years crafting and creating miscellaneous things that we gift to our friends and family whether they want them or not we have to admit we are powerless over the pull of craft stores.

Save us Etsy from Ourselves! 

Step Two

Accept that a power (Etsy) greater than ourselves can expose innocent strangers to the excess of our crafting.

Step Three

Make a decision to turn our crafting over to the power of the interwebz in order to reduce the amount of stuff mounding in our homes.

Even our children do crafts! 

Step Four

Inventory our supplies and completed products for posting and selling

Step Five

Admit to ourselves and others that the force of crafting has grown beyond our individual control and must be turned over to the interwebz.

Step Six

Admit we are ready to part with our inventory entirely.

Step Seven

Humbly ask our friends and family to post on facebook, twitter, tumblr, blogspot, and any other social site to please remove our inventory from our hands.

Someone couldn't have Thanksgiving because of this!

Step Eight

Apologize to our families for having taken possession of the dining room table, coffee table, kitchen counters, garage workspace, and any other areas of our homes that have been overtaken by our crafting negating their original purpose.

Step Nine

Make amends by trying to reduce the footprint of our crafting space in order to allow our families to enjoy the home they live in as well.

This may not be realistic,
but at least they could eat at a table.

Step Ten

Continue to craft and sell our items as soon as possible and try not to overtake more than our allotted space

Step Eleven

Pray daily for people to buy our stuff, work tirelessly to promote our shops and convince others to take our items off our hands

Step Twelve

Realize that our crafting can supply a source of additional or even primary income and make us better people in the process. 

Now that you have admitted your addiction and have the tools to recover, go with God my child and be strong! You are not alone, and if you post one item today you get a chip. 

F*** YOU PENCIL D***!!!! (or Rock 'em Sock 'em Princesses)

So here is the backstory....

Allow Princess Talks-A-Lot to attend a football game during the high school playoffs. Boyfriend, at the time, attends the game. Boyfriend brings alcohol in a soda bottle. Boy spikes Princess Talk-A-Lot soda. Boy disappears before the police and administration shows up. Once all is sorted out Princess Talks-A-Lot is slammed with a 10 day suspension, and all the social pariah backlash. Boy refuses to admit any fault an gets off scott free.

Flash forward about 3-4 months. NOW EX-boyfriend is at her campus for football practice. He brings her a mushy "I'm Sorry" note and proceeds to gush about how he still loves her, and she was the best thing ever for him, and he misses her and I am so sorry. Various conversation back and forth generally filled with unimportant teenage angst.

Princess Talks-A-Lot PUNCHES BOY!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHANTER!!!!!!!!!

THEN to beat the band calls him a pencil dick in front of the entire football team. I am NOT an advocate for violence, and do not approve of her violent behavior. However, I am so glad that she got this smelly ass boy back. His parents refused to think their little angle would ever do such a horrid thing and made my daughter out to be a complete demon. Her classmates treated her with such disgrace and she took it all with as much grace and stride as a teenager can muster.

To the boy, your punishment isn't done. I have the note you gave her admitting your guilt. There are a pack of educators that will love this!!! You will get yours too PUNK!!!!

You messed with the Three Musketeers and we follow our motto! All for One and One for ALL!!!

UPDATE: We created some items for the Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Princesses of the world. That is his football number on the helmet too!

Fun Facts and Stupid Chains!

So you can all blame Gina for me posting this! We love her anyway! I think it is kind of a neat thing to learn more about others. Here you go.....


The Rules:

1. Post the rules, and the following on your own blog....
2. Post 11 fun facts about yourself
3. Answer the questions the tagger gave you in their post & then create 11 new questions for the people you tag.
4. Tag 11 people and link them in your post (if you know that many)
5. Let them know you've "tagged" them

Eleven Fun Facts:

1. I am seriously mentally disturbed and really glad no one has officially evaluated me for psychosis. 
2. I can not stand when people stop the microwave BEFORE it is done and don't clear the timer.
3. I know where the story of the Boogie Man comes from. Seriously he is REAL!!!
4. I think femi-nazis are stupid! 
5. I secretly wish that mean people will spontaneously combust. Okay it isn't a secret! BURN BURN!!! 
6. I get excited about mammograms! Otherwise known as the annual BOOB SMOOCHIN'
7. I pick my nose in the car, but use a napkin. I don't wipe it on the seat like a boy. 
8. I KNOW that any woman with more than 365 pairs of shoes is just down right greedy!!
9. People used to tell me I looked like Molly Ringwald. Not sure how I feel about that even today. 
10. I love making costumes year round, but only want to wear them on Halloween. 
11. I think that real honesty is lacking in our society and people are too concerned with being politically correct. 

Eleven Questions from Gina:

1. Who has influenced you most in life?        
• MOMMY!
2. What's your earliest memory?                  
• I don't know, they are all memories of stories I have been told but I don't remember the events. OH GOD AGE SUCKS! 
3. Team Edward or Team Jacob?                 
• WHO? What? Edward Norton? Jacob Grimm? I guess Jacob Grimm? I didn't realize these people had Teams! 
4. What's the last thing you think about before sleep?             
• Please {Random Male Person} SHUT UP!
5. Do you wish upon falling stars?               
• I did the one time I saw one.
6. What sounds/sights/tastes are most comforting to you?               
• Silence/My kids sleeping/SUSHI! 
7. What did you want to be when you were young?                         
• Marine Biologist
8. Toilet Paper roll over or under?                
• OVER OVER OVER!!!!!!
9. Who, from history, would you most like to have over for dinner?   
• Elenor Roosevelt!
10. Jazz? Hot or Not?                      
• HOT (tsss) *sizzle sound*
11. Will you still love me tomorrow? {after answering/typing all these ??}               
• I love you madly! Will you marry me!

Eleven Questions for my Tagees to answer:

1. What is the funniest thing your kid ever said about you? If you don't have a kid what is the funniest thing you have said about your parents as a child?
2. Miss America or Miss USA?
3. Best era in history? Meaning which one should you have been born in? 
4. What annoys you most about your most annoying co-worker (present or past)? 
5. If you could go anywhere in time or the world right now where would it be? 
6. Which is cooler Halloween or Christmas? 
7. Fastest you have ever driven a car? 
8. How many pairs of three inch or higher heels do you own? 
9. Which movie star past or present do you want to be when you grow up? 
10. Star Trek or Star Wars? 
11. Will you actually post this on your blog too? I promise not to hate you if you don't! 

Tagged People I Know:

SarahDiane

BBUG

Tara

Tagged People I Admire: 

TheBloggess

Scary Mommy

Simple Dude

UPDATED: Welcome Take a Look Around!

For those of you visiting from Arkansas Women Bloggers, THANKS for stopping by!

Take a look around, click over to some of our favorite blogs, look at our various stores, like us, follow us, or just stalk us on the blog!

We are glad you are here, and feel REALLY blessed to have been today's featured article!

Let us know where your blogs, facebooks, twitters, stores, or where ever else you are on the intrawebz and we will try to take a look at all of those too.

(We are in the throws of pageant season so things are a bit NUTS)

UPDATE: The link back to the post referred to is HERE.

Mommies NAAAAAAKED!!!!

Okay Gina, you asked for an elaboration on naked pictures in my house. Back before I turned 29, because that is how old I am and if you try to do the math on having two teenagers and being 29 I will send zombies to eat your brains! Anyway before I turned 29 I was about 40 pounds lighter and HOT!!! TSSSSSS (insert sizzle sound)

I had recently become HAPPILY divorced and wanted to earn a little spare money on the side, not to mention I needed to recover from being made to think I wasn't HOT (tssss). I lived in a town with a HUGE artist community (Hot Springs) and I was acquainted with some artists that had a Tuesday night drawing thing. They used model who got paid just a little by each artist, but occasionally they would give me pieces of art if I asked. I tried not to take advantage of their generosity, but over the year or so I modeled for them I acquired quite a bit of art.

Most of them are nudes

All of me

WOOT WOOT MOMMIES NAAAAAKED!!!!! 

So now years later I have lots of reminders that I was (and still am) HOT!!!! Of course now it is more the full figured ample hot and less of the sexy skinny bitch vixen hot. When I modeled the girls were young and didn't think a thing of the art in the house. Of course now that they are dating and boys come over and the question is asked who is that and they respond "my mom", then there are some raised eyebrows.

Memories of Olive
Alberto Vargas

The girls are so used to the art that it is no different than kitschy flower pictures in your great grandmothers living room to us, but to the people that come over that don't know us there is a moment of shock. To my friends it is more like, "Damn girl cover yourself!"

When we looked at selling the house the realtors said take those down before showing the house, as if you prudes!

One time our nannies boyfriend came over and saw when he saw the print of Vargas' "Memories of Olive" he covered the girls eyes instinctively as if they had never seen the artwork in their own home. That was AWESOME!!!

So that is why there are lots of naked pictures in my house. However I must say that the artists that made these pieces are even more awesome than my naked hotness (tsss)....

Check them out for their other work too!

Richard Stephens
Gary Simmons
Thad Flenniken
Longhua Xu
Sue Shields

The first Friday of every month in Hot Springs they have an event called Gallery Walk where all the galleries stay open late and you can meander through them and browse the work. I love this event and miss it terribly! It is so much fun and there is art for everyone for sure!

S*** my Mom says!

Okay so tonight the three of us are sitting around being bored. It snowed last night and the girls schools were ghost towns so they have no homework. I am just enjoying some peace and quiet! Then I show the girls the most recent post from The Bloggess. First I seriously am not trying to be all John Hinkley Jr. but everyday I read her blog I am more assured that she is my long lost sister.

I read the post and start crying laughing, then it was "Hey girls you gotta read this!!!" they cry laughing, and Princess Talks-A-Lot assures me that she is glad to have an aunt. Then we go look at the greeting cards! Oh dear, the environment in my living room is degrading by the second.

So I am telling the girls about The Bloggess writing a sex column called Sexis Funny and Baby Girl asks me why is sex funny and my response..."because naked people look funny." Now I know the human body is beautiful heck there are tons of naked pictures of me in my house. However you have to admit naked men look funny! Now I don't know that the rest of my descriptions are really family approved, but there were some vary colorful descriptions of hanging parts and expanding and shrinking parts and then the real one.

"Someday you will be with your first, and he will be naked, and you will hear my voice in your head saying 'Naked men look funny' and you will start laughing and he will think you are laughing at his penis, and get his feelings hurt. Then you will have to explain that it isn't his penis, it is your mother, and then the mood will be destroyed, and I won't have to worry about you having sex."

Conclusion: The S*** I say will warp them for all eternity and I will have succeeded in my evil plan to protect their V card!

PS: Baby girl just said that she is the only one not warped in our family. The brainwashing is working!

Successes and Failures (maybe)

So this weekend has been full of busy and some really awesome stuff. As I try to stay on top of things I don't know what to write about. Basically because I think the alcohol consumption resulted in forgetting some of the best stuff!

1. Got a lot of the items on my overly ambitious weekend list accomplished. On the primary list, the garage, didn't happen since it was too freakin' cold! On the secondary list we got one item done, the monkey grass. Plus there was one thing done that wasn't on either, Baby Girls birthday invitations. Maybe the list wasn't overly ambitious.

2. Baby Girl was named to the King and Queen's Court at the Cotillion Ball! She got her first tiara, it is so pretty and has hearts on it and it made me cry. She is my baby girl but she is one week from 14!

3. Princess Talks-A-Lot got renewed drive for "Why I Hate the World and Why I'm Right!" Thanks to the unknown lady at the cotillion ball! Thanks who-ever-you-are listening to her progress is one fancy little thing I love.


4. We ate at Red Lobster and our pager thing looked like a taser! SERIOUSLY are they electrocuting the lobsters?

5. Bestie is painting her dining room and I am helping via text pictures and phone calls. Yes that qualifies as helping!

The weather man is predicting a bad snow/ice storm, and since TheBloggess is in west Texas this weekend and that is where the storm is coming from, and she got snowed into a Dairy Queen I am hoping to get another day at home. I have been following her on twitter and read her blog and I every day I am a little more assured that she is a long lost sister! I get that this sounds a little John Hinkley Jr. stalker like, but I say it with all the reason I can muster!

"Jesus is a Pimpin' Zombie"

The following conversation occurs in a Wendy's restaurant following Princess Talk-A-Lots talent show. This actually happened, I am not smart enough to make this up!

Neighbor: A boy at church called me a Man Whore.

Me: What?! You?!? AS IF!! We should all aspire to be good like you!

Princess Talk-A-Lot: Someone used the word whore in church?

Me: Well some people think Mary Magdalene was a whore.

Princess Talk-A-Lot: So Mary hung out with Jesus and whores hang out with their pimps so Jesus is a Pimp, and since he rose from the dead then he is a zombie, so Jesus is a pimping zombie.

Me: WHAT THE FUCK!

Boyfriend: Jesus was a ghost

Princess Talk-A-Lot: When you touch ghosts your hand goes through them, but they say they could touch Jesus, and you can touch the rotting flesh of zombies.

Baby Girl: Mom, what happened to her? Are we really related?

Moral of the story: There is a direct path of train thoughts to word vomit in Princess Talk-A-Lot's brain.

Pimpin' Zombie Jesus (artist's rendering)

For clothing with You Pimpin' Zombie go here.

UPDATE: We found this photo already saved on one of the computers. Not sure where it came from but Princess Talks-A-Lot says only pimps have these kinds of parties!

Always Overly Optimistic!

So as the weekend approaches you start to plan your weekend goals. You know all those things you want to accomplish in order to make sure that your household stays in tacked and generally functioning properly.

Here is my list.....

• Clean our garage and rearrange all nine tool boxes (you know the big red ones)
• Clean the house and actually dust and vaccuum
• Work with friend on getting the pinterest page filled with ideas and other page revisions
• Take baby girl to cheerleading clinic
• Attend Mardi Gras ball with Baby girl and Princess Talks-A-Lot
• Allow boyfriend of Princess Talks-A-Lot to come over and hang out aimlessly for an undetermined length of time
• Sunday coffee chat! This is a required set time thing which can not be avoided

Here is the list of things I would like to accomplish assuming I get all that done (which is where the overly optimistic part comes in)

• Cut out and sew spring children's dresses for Beauty's 
• Design the fancy pageants tool belts for me and the girls
• Try to figure out this stupid Yudu screen printing thingy. (as if)
• Get the monkey grass and cannas trimmed for spring
• Try to play some vidya games, this is official nerd feeding time
• Find cheap fabric and start the necessary civil war items for some living history events

There is no possible way I can get all of this done, but I can have optimism in thinking that I will be able to magically clone myself and get this stuff done. 

However I have to at least make an effort. Cross your fingers folks! This list of tasks likely means that there won't be posts this weekend either, but I will update you on my efforts for sure on Monday. 

"Snarky...and well, humorous!"

So, this morning my little email notifiers tells me that I have a comment on one of my posts. It reads...

"Yay for ARWB!! Looking forward to seeing your post. I just read every single one of your posts and your sense of humor is snarky...and well, humorous! Welcome to the wonderful world of blogging"

First to Ms. Gina.. THANKS! I am having too much fun I think with this adventure! and your comment was fan-freakin-tastic!!!!!

Second... Is that an underhanded complement?

While driving Princess Talk-A-Lot to school we discuss all sorts of things, and I read her this comment and her response was.. "Mom, is that a compliment?" While I choose to see it as a honest comment on my irreverent and sometimes sharp tongue I can see her confusion.

She then had an even better comment....

"Is it a compliment or your initiation into the world of blogging"

MMMM... Initiation??? This world created a hazing ritual type picture in my head of blindfolded scantily clad initiants with Limburger cheese shoved up their noses being tortured with feathers. Well maybe not feathers because then it sounds all Betty Page Movies and stuff.

Anyway! I am super happy someone read my posts! I am even happier that they sort of seemed to like my sense of humor, and I hope that I am properly initiated into the coven for blogging.

Stay tuned for more "snarky...and well, humorous!"

Getting Ready for a Party!

So this weekend will be baby girls final dance of the cotillion season. Every year they have a total of six dances. Four semi-formal, one costume, and one formal. The formal is saved till the end and called the Mardi Gas Ball. We receive formal invitations which require formal RSVP responses. Then we get all dressed up and go to a dance.

Here is what confuses me...... You are paying to send your child to dance and etiquette lessons. Lessons which will help them develop into stronger people. You have to make sure they have the proper clothing and items for their dances. So when it come to the last dance of the season, why exactly would you not attend the ball with your child properly dressed? Last year (her first year) I made custom gowns for all three of us, and we were in full formal attire.

This year baby girl has another custom gown, Princess Talks-A-Lot will be wearing one of her many formals, and I am trying to figure out what to wear for myself. Last year there were parents dressed like they were going to a rodeo, or out partying with the cast of Jersey Shore.  I overheard people talking about "why would I spend $400 on a dress for one night" Why would you subliminally teach your child that the lessons they are learning have no value by not dressing in formal attire for a formal function.

So here I am trying to decide what to wear. I don't want to wear the same dress as last year, but it is technically the only officially formal gown I have that fits my ample girth. I also don't really have the time or in stock fabric to make something new, and I don't want to buy more fabric for another dress that gets worn once. However I do value that I should not be so underdressed that my daughter is embarrassed by my attire.

UGH why can't these things be more simple! The whole point of cotillion is to teach them proper behavior, my money is wasted if I in fact do not use the lessons I learned in cotillion either.

Monday Morning Quarterbacks AGAIN!?

So this morning is the Monday after the super bowl. All the television stations are talking about the commercials, the half time show, the score, the teams, and all the other general junk that happens during this one day cross section of American culture.

Commercials: Clint Eastwood, Ferris Bueler, Brown M&Ms, Star Wars, and many others. For the most part this morning I only remember snip its of any one commercial. Our local station broadcast a proposal just before half time. Which me and my romantic cynical side just jeered at and screamed say no say no! Other wise there were some funny ones, but oh for the Apple commercial of the 80's How I miss when these commercials were artistic.

Half Time Show: Madonna is my hero! I have always admired her work, her honest to herself, and her non-apologetic approach to her own art. As for all the cameos, they were okay I guess, of course there is the big hub bub about M.I.A. flipping off the camera, but what did you expect from this generation of people who have no cooth.

The Score: Yes the Giants won, and they should have since the Patriots receivers apparently soaked their gloves in grease before the game and couldn't hold a catch to save their souls. Tom Brady though did his job. I feel badly for them though it was such a sloppy game as a whole, but that is part of sports good games and bad ones.

Otherwise there wasn't anything special to say. However my experience with this years game was awesome! Princess Talks-A-Lot went to her boyfriends house, and I got to watch the game all alone with baby girl. I don't get to spend nearly as much time with her as I would like so it was fun to get girly time. Especially after I made her formal for the Mardi Gras Ball which is next weekend. She looks so grown up too!

Celebrate the Little Victories!

Okay so this is sort of a feel good moment. I have had a few happies over the last few days that are ever so heart warming when the rest of your life is so hectic.

1. I was selected to be the featured poster/blogger/writer whatever on February 20th for Arkansas Women Bloggers.

2. I met with the classified ad lady, and it looks like that might be a really GREAT opportunity and more importantly profitable.

3. One of my pageant girlies passed her Nursing Exam, it is like the bar only for nurses, and she was super happy. Yeah Sarah!!!!

4. I finally got some restful sleep after about three days of broken restless sleep.

5. I am contacting some local pageants and been allowed to help with some and hoping for more.

I know these things in general are not all that big of a deal, but the reality of life is that there are a lot of little things that add up, and we have to celebrate the little victories. The path through life sometimes seems like an uphill battle, so the little wins are the ones we have to stock up on.

I want to know your little victories.

Stupid Stalkers and Crazy Zombies

So the title today came from Princess Talks-A-Lot. We were discussing one of my attempts at a joke that was, I believe, lost on the listener, and she said this line. I died laughing. Her sense of humor is so sarcastic and irreverent that most other adults would be offended at her. Heck I am sometimes, she is 16 with the bitter humor of Andy Rooney.

Here is what happened. I was notified that I will be a featured writer on February 20th for Arkansas Women Bloggers. I was super excited. They had asked me if they could use my Christian name or Sweety Darlin'. Well I had started with my name, but I have recently decided that as part of the branding etc I will use Sweety Darlin' in all my stuff. You know get the name recognition thing happening for me. (maybe)

Anyway, when I responded to her request I made a comment about it will keep the stupid stalkers away, crazy zombies. Well I don't think the listener got the joke, but a girl has to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse. There are some really great articles on Cracked.com about zombies. Ones that make me laugh. Like 5 Reasons it could happen, required Survival Strategies, and reasons it will fail. There are more, but these are without a doubt my favorites.

So here is to the Zombie Apocalypse, and a Featured Blog Posting!! WOOT WOOT!!!