I haven't been at this blogging game for very long, but in the brief time on the interwebz I have made some cool friends. One of these new friends is Mama Bird from Twinstitution! First she is a mom who just decided to get preggers and the fates decided she was strong enough to have the rare split embryo genetic event of identical twins WITHOUT any kind of fertility stuff! This is no Octomom crap this is a conspiracy! May the force be with you Mama Bird!
She made the suggestion to write something as an encouragement to mommies! I have to say that I don't know that I really encourage mommies, but what I can offer is some realistic face slaps! I would classify being a mom like a job. Here is the ad you see in the paper or online for this job. It costs a lot to place this ad, but in the goal to be upfront we have tried to list everything.
WANTED Mom. Requirements: uterus, ovaries, vagina, titties, and two "X" chromosomes. You will be expected to work 24 hours a day 7 days a week for hugs and kisses which will decrease over the length of your career. You will be expected to administer medicine, wrap injuries, keep cool under pressure including squirting blood, broken bones, and excessive bodily secretions. Should your charges be girls you will be required to make mad cap dashes for new shoes, panty hose, tampons, pads, panties, and replacement pants. Should your charges be boys these will include dealing with the intrusion of small creatures that should reside outside your home and amusement at all bodily functions.
You will be required to begin your career with a significant lack of sleep, the strength to deal with clinging, crying, poopy, snotty underlings that have no ability to accomplish any task whatsoever on their own. As your charges age your role will include cooking, cleaning, teaching, repeating school all over again to aid with homework, deal with all the drama of school all over again to teach your children how to deal with interpersonal relationships. You will be expected to have the answer to every obscure, strange, and intrusive question that should come to your charges mind, without hesitation. Said answer must be logical and acceptable or you will be expected to explain until the "whys" cease.
You are going to have all personal time destroyed. You will no longer pee, shower, have a phone conversation, dress, and sometimes have relations without on-lookers. You will have no control or possession of your body. Your legs and arms are solely for hugs and clinging, they are also good hand holds for climbing. Your breasts will become pillows for crying, naps, or just consoling of bad days. You will also loose all mental faculties. Your memory will be destroyed, and any abilities to carry on an intelligent rational conversation that doesn't include spelling out words or using terms associated with Nick Jr and the Disney channel.
As your charges begin to involve themselves in various activities you will become expected to have endless funds to buy concessions, school fund raisers, uniforms, sports gear, t-shirts, party supplies, new outfits, and anything else that is required at 10 PM the night before the deadline. You will never be warned by a teacher of problems with grades as these ladies usually have children of their own plus the educational maintenance of probably 30 - 200 children.
Eventually you will reach a point that your charges will be grown enough to begin their own lives and leave your domicile and have one of their own. You will be expected to pay for college (which includes books, tuition, room and board), provide laundry services, car maintenance, car insurance, gas money, food, food money, clothing, clothing money, and all other costs that may be incurred as a result of additional requirements not listed on the syllabus. Upon eventual completion of the collegiate education your charges may find employment that will result in them getting their first apartment which you will be expected to furnish and stock fully, and occasionally add to the stock when required. Should they not find employment you will need to remove all your hobby items from their original bedroom as they will move back into your domicile and you will again be expected to support them as if they were still in junior high.
This job description is only a brief explanation of the job duties, and we reserve the right to add, deduct, and change this description without notice or provocation. There will be no additional pay for changes, and you will be expected to shut up and deal with it when they occur.
Okay mommies, you know this is the truth and you are NOT alone. Future mommies, you have been duly warned so take heed and gird your loins. For the rest of you, this warning may reinforce your choice not to procreate. Go ahead and get the tubal tomorrow before you change your mind. Adoption is an option and it can reduce some of the helpless human portion of the job, but you also take a risk of other unforeseen circumstances.